Some old ones and some new ones here

I've just got back from an 18 to 30 holiday.
What a f-ing great 12 years.
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What's worse than being captured by the Taliban?
Being rescued by the Americans.
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Wouldn't it have been fun if ... We had all greeted the Chilean Miners dressed up as the "Planet of the Apes".
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When I found out that my masseuse is also a prostitute I was relieved.
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After 66 years my granddad still holds the record for the biggest Bonfire.
Well, him and the rest of his bomber crew.
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Make the fire-fighters feel like fools when they're on strike by not setting fire to anything
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Irish acid bath murderer burnt his hand off pulling the plug out
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I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like an army bomb disposal expert.
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David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week the forms will only be printed in English.
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My Nan has found a lump in each of her breasts.
Turns out it was just her knees.
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If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?
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The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.
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Why did my wife cross the road?
To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three f-ing hours ago.
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This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from Vegetarian club.
I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.
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You would think that, if you pulled a snail's shell off, then it would be able to move faster.
I tried it, but they seem to be more sluggish.
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Wayne Rooney's gone to Dubai for his birthday.
He must have been saving up for that all day.
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There's a new Barbie on the market. It comes with no shoes, no clothes, no make-up, no car, no food, no house, no farm and with Aids.
It's called Zimbarbie.
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I was recently on Safari in the Serengeti and witnessed two male lions shagging each other.
I thought, "F**k me, have they got no pride?"
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BBC News: "Scots throw away £460 worth of food each every year"
Maybe McDonald's should stop putting salad in their burgers.
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"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"American special forces"
"NO, NO THANKS, I'M OK"
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I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning the slag in the morning!
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I was at work yesterday when a female colleague asked me what my ring tone was. I said "light brown like everyone else's".
Women are certainly more forward these days.
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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
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Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa. But don't let your heart rule your head. Morrisons are doing 4 Stella for £2-99.
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I've just watched the Simpson's and realised it's a load of bollocks.
Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?
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What's the difference between a pick pocket and a Peeping Tom

A pick pocket snatches watches
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A Glaswegian takes his date home to meet the parents; he says this is Amanda!
His father jumps up and says "its a f**king what?"
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Was banging this nice lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, use the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.
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Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the f*ck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
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I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I f###ed a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?