“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. ”
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not.”
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all
get drunk and go to heaven!”
~ Brian O’Rourk e
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here’s how it went:
“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not .
Filed under Drinking Jokes, Humorous jokes, Philosophy by 
> >”Our First Winter”
>
> >DEC 20th
>
> >It’s starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we’ve
>
> >seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on
>
> >the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging
>
> >to the trees and covering the ground. It’s so beautiful and
>
> >peaceful.
>
> >
>
> >DEC 24th
>
> >We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow
>
> >covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every
>
> >tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled
>
> >snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway
>
> >and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and
>
> >accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the
>
> >street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it
>
> >away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for
>
> >eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple
>
> >just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined
>
> >in their fun.
>
> >
>
> >DEC 26th
>
> >It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature
>
> >dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and
>
> >bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled the
>
> >driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did
>
> >his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish – grey.
>
> >
>
> >JAN 1st
>
> >Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon
>
> >became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for
>
> >both our cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but
>
> >nothing was broken.
>
> >
>
> >JAN 5th
>
> >Still cold. Sold the wife’s car and bought her a 4×4 to get her to
>
> >work.
>
> >She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing.
>
> >Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are
>
> >covered in salt and iced up slush. That bastard snowplough came by
>
> >twice today………… Where’s that bloody shovel.
>
> >
>
> >JAN 9th
>
> >More fucking snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn’t
>
> >been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from
>
> >freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater, which tipped
>
> >over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out
>
> >but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and
>
> >eyelashes. Car hit a fucking deer on the way to casualty and car was
>
> >written off.
>
> >
>
> >JAN 13th
>
> >Fucking bastard white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put
>
> >on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little
>
> >cunts next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back – I’ll
>
> >shove that carrot so far up the little bastard’s arse it’ll take a
>
> >good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the cunt that drives
>
> >the snowplough I’ll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with
>
> >my teeth. I think the bastard hides around the corner and waits for
>
> >me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like
>
> >Michael Schufuckingmacher and buries the fucking driveway again.
>
> >
>
> >JAN 17th
>
> >Sixteen more fuckng inches of fucking snow and fucking ice and
>
> >fucking sleet and god knows what other white shite fell last night.
>
> >I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver
>
> >with an ice-pick. Can’ t move my fucking toes. Haven’t seen the sun
>
> >for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more fucking snow forecast.
>
>
> >JAN 18th
>
> >FUCK THIS, I’M MOVING BACK TO England
Filed under "real" life jokes, Scottish by
Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his willy, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up…
and all the other bells started to ring.
Filed under Adult funny jokes, Funny Dirty Jokes, Religion by
1. Men are like ..Laxatives ….. They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like.Bananas .. The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather .. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ….Blenders You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ….Chocolate Bars…. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ….Commercials……. You can’t believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores . Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like ……Government Bonds …. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like …..Mascara .. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn …… They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms ….. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like .Lava Lamps … Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking SpotsAll the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Filed under Funny Clean Jokes, Men by
two items, the sister got the gloves and Reg unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Reg sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I’ve noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.
She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn’t needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Reg
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
Filed under Adult funny jokes, Funny Dirty Jokes, Humorous jokes by