Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess… “Will you marry me?”
The Princess said “NO!”
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
And went fishing and hunting and played golf
And dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch
And had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up!
The End
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I’ve just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days’
I told him ‘I wish I had your f**king will power’
Top tip; if you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it’s so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it’s not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.
Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.
Apparently the instruction ‘finish off on her face’ didn’t mean what I thought it did.
A fat girl served me food in McDonald’s at lunch time. She said ‘sorry about the wait.’
I said ‘don’t worry fatty, you’re bound to lose it eventually ‘
I walked past an abo kid sitting at a Bus Stop as I came out of the Bank. He looked at me and said ‘Any Change’
I said ‘Nope! You’re still Black’
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself fat chance with a face like that!
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks What is wrong ??
The boy says Me ma is dead
Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father ORiley for you ??
The boy replies No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment .
I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn’t matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.
Here’s how it goes ‘Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?’
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I ‘m having that
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I ??
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back Ya canna kid me ya flash bastard. You’re in that feckin basket .
I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was Where do women have the curliest hair ??
The answer I should have given was Fiji
I’m so very sorry!
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Some one liner jokes
- A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time…..
- I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.
- I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin… 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it…
I thought to myself, these buggers have lost the plot!!
- I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.
- A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast ‘The Flintstones’. A spokesman for the channel said….
‘A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.’
- My son’s been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70. B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
- Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
- Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.1415927 dead
- I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. “Morning.” I said. “No” he replied, “just having a shit.”
- My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’ I bought her some bathroom scales.
- Went around to a friend’s house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I’d like to wind it…. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
- Saw my mate outside the Doctor’s today looking really worried. “What’s the matter?” I asked. “I’ve got the big C,” he said. “What, cancer?” “No, dyslexia.”
- I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
- A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn’t what he was expecting.
- I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!
- The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.
- Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’. Wife says, ‘Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’.
- I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’
- On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ – I thought, ‘What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?’
- The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him
Filed under One Liner Jokes by
| The Male Cycle
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits. |
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Skinny little Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: ’7 feet tall, 350 Pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.’
The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says, ‘What’s wrong with you?’
In a weak voice the little guy says, ‘What EXACTLY did you say to me?’
The big dude says, ‘I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me……… I’m 7feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.’
The little white Irishman says: ‘Turner Brown?!….Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, ‘Turn around’.
Filed under Funny Clean Jokes by