Edinburgh Festival one liners (Pt 2)

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the girl out of Cork… I got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax. Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. Hey – you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda. I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I’ve already got one!" I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation – but I’m not very good at it. If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that. It’s easy to distract fat people. It’s a piece of cake.