Edinburgh Festival one liners (Pt 1)

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be sh*tting herself. My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child… well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She’ll go: "What’s my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn’t listening…Self-raising?" Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.