Random Jokes

OJ Simpson

Admin — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 06:22:29 +0000

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to
hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
‘I don’t know what to do here,’ says the devil.
‘You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple of
folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take
their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.’
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty
handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.
‘No,’ OJ said. ‘I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer, and I don’t think I could do that all
day long.’
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and
a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
‘No, this is no good; I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks all day,’ commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms
tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was
Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, ‘Yeah man, I can handle this.’
The devil smiled and said…
‘OK, Monica, you’re free to go.’

From the catalogue

Admin — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 06:48:56 +0000

Two IRISH MEN were looking at a
> Mail order catalogue and admiring the models.
>
>
>
> One says to the other,
> ‘Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?’
>
> The second one replies,
> ‘Yes, they are very beautiful.
> And look at the price!’
> The first one says, with wide eyes,
> ‘Wow, they aren’t very expensive.
> At this price, I’m buying one.’
> The second one smiles and pats him on the back.
> ‘Good idea! Order one and if she’s as beautiful
> As she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.’
> Three weeks later,
> The youngest redneck IRISHMAN asks his friend,
> ‘Did you ever receive the girl you ordered
> From the catalogue?’
> The second IRISHMAN replies……
>

>
> ‘No, but it shouldn’t be long now.
> She sent all her clothes yesterday?

Afghanistan Women who know their place

Admin — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 06:47:15 +0000

> Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul ,
> Afghanistan, several years before
> the Afghan conflict.
>
> She noted that women customarily
> walked five paces behind their husbands.
>
> She recently returned to Kabul and
> observed that women still walk behind their husbands.
>
>
> Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime,
> the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.
>
>
> Ms Walters approached one of the
> Afghani women and asked, ‘Why do you now
> seem happy with an old custom that you
> once tried so desperately to change?’
>
> The woman looked Ms.Walters
> straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
> said, ’Land Mines.’

This poetry is hilarious…..ENJOY!

Admin — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 06:45:02 +0000

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION

ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME

WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,

AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.

That’s why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,

But I only slept with you ’cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other

– that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s

empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;

But don’t take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes

Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe ‘Go to hell.’

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING

Do you have a vagina?

Admin — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 06:42:36 +0000

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
> He asks the lady ‘Do you have a vagina?’…
> She slams the door in disgust..
> The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman ‘Do you have a vagina’.
>
>    She slams the door again.
> Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
>       The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice ‘Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again’.
>       The next morning they h ear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice ‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy
> I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it’. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
>     Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
>       Do you have vagina’………… ‘Yes’ she says……
>       The man replies “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours’?

An Embarrassing problem

Admin — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 06:40:27 +0000

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ‘working girls’ and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get a erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of ‘Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE …. UGH!’ Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE… UGH!’ Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE … UGH!’ … ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, ‘How did it go?’ The first mutters, ‘It was embarrassing. I just couldn’t get an erection.’

The second dwarf shook his head ‘You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bed.’

Quotes about Alcohol

Admin — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 06:37:07 +0000

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. ”
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not.”
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all
get drunk and go to heaven!”
~ Brian O’Rourk e

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here’s how it went:

“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not .

THE DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN LIVING IN THE HIGHLANDS

Admin — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 06:32:35 +0000

>
> >”Our First Winter”

>
> >DEC 20th
>
> >It’s starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we’ve
>
> >seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on
>
> >the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging
>
> >to the trees and covering the ground. It’s so beautiful and
>
> >peaceful.
>
> >
>
> >DEC 24th
>
> >We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow
>
> >covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every
>
> >tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled
>
> >snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway
>
> >and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and
>
> >accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the
>
> >street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it
>
> >away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for
>
> >eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple
>
> >just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined
>
> >in their fun.
>
> >
>
> >DEC 26th
>
> >It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature
>
> >dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and
>
> >bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled the
>
> >driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did
>
> >his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish – grey.
>
> >
>
> >JAN 1st
>
> >Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon
>
> >became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for
>
> >both our cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but
>
> >nothing was broken.
>
> >
>
> >JAN 5th
>
> >Still cold. Sold the wife’s car and bought her a 4×4 to get her to
>
> >work.
>
> >She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing.
>
> >Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are
>
> >covered in salt and iced up slush. That bastard snowplough came by
>
> >twice today………… Where’s that bloody shovel.
>
> >
>
> >JAN 9th
>
> >More fucking snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn’t
>
> >been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from
>
> >freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater, which tipped
>
> >over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out
>
> >but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and
>
> >eyelashes. Car hit a fucking deer on the way to casualty and car was
>
> >written off.
>
> >
>
> >JAN 13th
>
> >Fucking bastard white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put
>
> >on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little
>
> >cunts next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back – I’ll
>
> >shove that carrot so far up the little bastard’s arse it’ll take a
>
> >good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the cunt that drives
>
> >the snowplough I’ll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with
>
> >my teeth. I think the bastard hides around the corner and waits for
>
> >me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like
>
> >Michael Schufuckingmacher and buries the fucking driveway again.
>
> >
>
> >JAN 17th
>
> >Sixteen more fuckng inches of fucking snow and fucking ice and
>
> >fucking sleet and god knows what other white shite fell last night.
>
> >I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver
>
> >with an ice-pick. Can’ t move my fucking toes. Haven’t seen the sun
>
> >for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more fucking snow forecast.
>

>
> >JAN 18th
>
> >FUCK THIS, I’M MOVING BACK TO England

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained

Admin — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 06:28:19 +0000

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his willy, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up…

and all the other bells started to ring.

Men are like….

Admin — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 06:25:53 +0000

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ….. They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like.Bananas .. The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather .. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like ….Blenders You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ….Chocolate Bars…. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ….Commercials……. You can’t believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores . Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like ……Government Bonds …. They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like …..Mascara .. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn …… They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms ….. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like .Lava Lamps … Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking SpotsAll the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.