Random Jokes

Whats the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball…………

Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still
alive. He said that the England Team performance on Sunday was completely
s**t. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the
message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

Robert Green – The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything .

In a statement from broadcasting house, all future England games will now
be shown on the gay porn channel. It is thought that 11 arsåholes being
regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.

I can’t believe we only managed a draw against a s**t team we should easily
have beaten……I’m ashamed to call myself Algerian.

The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning,
“its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly
struggling, and facing the impossible” said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.

Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didn’t break into the
dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.

What’s the difference between Rob Green’s spill and BP’s spill?
- Robert Green has got a cap for his.

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car
park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He
stopped and asked, “Can you manage dear?” To which the old lady replied,
“No way. You got yourself into this f*****g mess, don’t ask me to sort it
out…”

The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into
the dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way
into the dressing room.
David Blaine is gutted that the record he got for doing F*** all in a box for 42 days has just been beaten by Wayne Rooney

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags .

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

DAVID CAMERON was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘Tragedy’.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a ‘Tragedy’.

A little boy stood up and offered, “If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin’ in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy.”

“Incorrect”, said David, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too-smug-

The parish priest went on a fishing  trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a  monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, ‘Look  at the size of that Son of a Bitch!’

‘Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled  for!’

‘No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it  is – a Son of a Bitch fish!’

‘Really? Well then, help me land this  Son of a Bitch!’

Once in the boat, they marveled at the  size of the monster..

‘Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen’

‘Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?’

‘Why, eat it! Of course. You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!’

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

‘Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!’

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, ‘Father!’

‘It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!’

‘Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?’

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

‘I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch’, she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

‘What are you doing  Sister?’

‘Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop’s Dinner’

‘Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so  upset! Please watch your language!’

‘No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a  Bitch Fish.’

‘Really? Well, in that case, I’ll fix up  a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!

Let me know when you’ve finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.’

On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said,’This is great  fish, where did you get it?’

‘I caught that Son of a Bitch!’  proclaimed the proud priest.

‘And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!’ exclaimed  the Sister.

The Friar added, ‘And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!

The new Bishop looked around at each of  them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said,

‘You fuckers are my kind of  people!’