Random Jokes » Admin

Some old ones and some new ones here

Admin — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 09:34:30 +0000

I've just got back from an 18 to 30 holiday.
What a f-ing great 12 years.
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What's worse than being captured by the Taliban?
Being rescued by the Americans.
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Wouldn't it have been fun if ... We had all greeted the Chilean Miners dressed up as the "Planet of the Apes".
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When I found out that my masseuse is also a prostitute I was relieved.
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After 66 years my granddad still holds the record for the biggest Bonfire.
Well, him and the rest of his bomber crew.
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Make the fire-fighters feel like fools when they're on strike by not setting fire to anything
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Irish acid bath murderer burnt his hand off pulling the plug out
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I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like an army bomb disposal expert.
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David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week the forms will only be printed in English.
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My Nan has found a lump in each of her breasts.
Turns out it was just her knees.
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If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?
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The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.
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Why did my wife cross the road?
To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three f-ing hours ago.
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This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from Vegetarian club.
I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.
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You would think that, if you pulled a snail's shell off, then it would be able to move faster.
I tried it, but they seem to be more sluggish.
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Wayne Rooney's gone to Dubai for his birthday.
He must have been saving up for that all day.
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There's a new Barbie on the market. It comes with no shoes, no clothes, no make-up, no car, no food, no house, no farm and with Aids.
It's called Zimbarbie.
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I was recently on Safari in the Serengeti and witnessed two male lions shagging each other.
I thought, "F**k me, have they got no pride?"
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BBC News: "Scots throw away £460 worth of food each every year"
Maybe McDonald's should stop putting salad in their burgers.
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"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"American special forces"
"NO, NO THANKS, I'M OK"
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I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning the slag in the morning!
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I was at work yesterday when a female colleague asked me what my ring tone was. I said "light brown like everyone else's".
Women are certainly more forward these days.
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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
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Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa. But don't let your heart rule your head. Morrisons are doing 4 Stella for £2-99.
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I've just watched the Simpson's and realised it's a load of bollocks.
Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?
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What's the difference between a pick pocket and a Peeping Tom

A pick pocket snatches watches
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A Glaswegian takes his date home to meet the parents; he says this is Amanda!
His father jumps up and says "its a f**king what?"
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Was banging this nice lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, use the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.
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Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the f*ck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
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I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I f###ed a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?

The game is called ‘Mate Match’

Admin — Fri, 22 Apr 2011 07:52:11 +0000

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you’ll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks did hear this on the FM morning show in Sydney .
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called ‘Mate Match’. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers ‘yes’,he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you’ve heard yet.

Anyway, here’s how it all went down:

DJ: ‘Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of ‘Mate Match’?’

Contestant: (laughing) ‘Yes, I have.’

DJ: ‘Great! Then you know we’re giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.’

Contestant: ‘Brian.’

DJ: ‘Brian, are you married or what?’

Brian: (laughing nervously) ‘Yes, I am married.’

DJ: ‘Thank you. Now, what is your wife’s name? First only please.’

Brian: ‘Sara.’

DJ: ‘Is Sara at work, Brian?’

Brian: ‘She is gonna kill me.’

DJ: ‘Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?’

Brian: (laughing) ‘Yes, she’s at work.’

DJ: ‘Okay, first question – when was the last time you had sex?’

Brian: ‘About 8 o’clock this morning.’

DJ: ‘Atta boy, Brian.’

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) ‘Well…’

DJ: ‘Question #2 – How long did it last?’

Brian: ‘About 10 minutes.’

DJ: ‘Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn’t at stake.’

Brian: ‘Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.’

DJ: ‘Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o’clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) ‘I, ummm, I, well…’

DJ: ‘This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?’

Brian: ‘Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks…’

DJ: ‘Uh huh…’

Brian: ‘…and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.’

DJ: ‘Atta boy, Brian.’

Brian: ‘On the kitchen table.’

DJ: ‘Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I’ve done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife’s work number and call her up.

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: ‘Okay audience; let’s call Sarah, shall we?’
(Touch tones…..ringing….)

Clerk: ‘Kinkos.’

DJ: ‘Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?’

Clerk: ‘This is she.’

DJ: ‘Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I’ve been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.’

Sarah: (laughing) ‘A couple of hours?’

DJ: ‘Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you’ll lose. Sooooooo… do you know the rules of ‘Mate Match’?’

Sarah: ‘No.’

DJ: ‘Good!’

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) ‘Brian, what the hell are you up to?’

Brian: (laughing) ‘Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.’

DJ: ‘Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian’s answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) ‘Yes.’

DJ: ‘All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?’

Sarah: ‘Oh God, Brian….uh, this morning before Brian went to work.’

DJ: ‘What time?’

Sarah: ‘Around 8 this morning.’

DJ: ‘Very good. Next question. How long did it last?’

Sarah: ’12, 15 minutes maybe.’

DJ: ‘Hmmmm. That’s close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We’ve got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?’

Sarah: (laughing) ‘Yes.’

DJ: ‘Where did you have it?’

Sarah: ‘OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn’t tell them that did you?’

Brian: ‘Just tell him, honey.’

DJ: ‘What is bothering you so much, Sarah?’

Sarah: ‘Well…’

DJ: Come on Sarah…..where did you have it?

Sarah: ‘Up the arse…..’

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.
Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions

Top Four Adult Jokes of 2008

Admin — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 08:13:26 +0000

Top Four Adult Jokes of 2008

Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, ‘Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you’ll forgive me.’
She replies, ‘If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 221..’

———————————————————————————————–

Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.

The wife turns over and says ‘I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.’

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

‘Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?’

————————————————————————————————

Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

‘What’s wrong, Bill?’ she asked.

‘Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?’

‘Oh, Bill, you didn’t’ she exclaimed.

‘Yes, I did.’ he replied.

‘My God, Bill, what happened?’

‘I got fired.’

‘No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?’

‘Oh…she got fired too.’
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Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, ‘Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.’

‘I know,’ the old man said. ‘We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..’

‘Well,’ Granny snickered. ‘Let’s relive some old times.’

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

‘You know, honey,’ the little old lady breathlessly replied, ‘My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.’

‘I wouldn’t be surprised,’ replied Gramps. ‘One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

The Glaswegian Vasectomy

Admin — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 08:43:53 +0000

After having their 11th child (Chelsey Paris Britney McGuffy), a Glasgow couple decided that was enough because they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his GP and told him that he and his missus didn’t want
to have any more children (Wur no wantin ony mair weans, so wur no).

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. ‘A less costly alternative,’ said the doctor, ‘is to go home, get a firework, put it in an empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10..
The husband said to the doctor, ‘Ah might no be the sharpest chisel in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no tae huv ony mair weans.’
Trust me,’ said the doctor.
So the couple went home, the husband lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to
count: ’1′ ’2′ ’3′ ’4”5′ ….. at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure is available on the NHS and has proved to be successful in Govan, Clydebank, Paisley, and some parts of Livingston, Coatbridge and Bathgate

Five Horses

Admin — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 08:51:48 +0000

Five Horses Is Her Name
This is mystical and deep.

Truly beautiful…

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife’s name.
He replied, “She is called Five Horses”.

The man said, “That’s an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?”

The Old Indian answered,
“It old Indian Name. It mean…

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!

Husband Down

Admin — Wed, 13 Apr 2011 10:59:34 +0000

On the ASDA PA system: ‘Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.’

A husband and wife are shopping in their local ASDA
The husband picks up a case of Tennants and puts it in their trolley.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only £10 for 24 cans he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.
‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Tennants and it’s half the price.’

He never knew what hit him.

Jewish Prayers

Admin — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 11:08:29 +0000

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?

“Morris Feinberg,” he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.”

“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.”

“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a fucking wall.”

joke at any racial or ethnic minority

Admin — Sun, 10 Apr 2011 11:11:05 +0000

Apparently it’s no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.

More on joke at any racial or ethnic minority

Golf panties

Admin — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 11:04:15 +0000

Golf panties

> The Swede’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
>
> ‘Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?’, her husband demanded.
> ‘Well’ she said, ‘you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.’
>
> The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, ‘For the sake of decency, here’s a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..’
>
> Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
> Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
> ‘Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?’
> She replies, ‘I can’t afford any on the money you give me.’
>
> Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, ‘For the sake of decency, here’s a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear”!
>
> Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
>
> ‘Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?’ She too explains, ‘Ye dinnae gie me enough money tae be able tae afford any.’
>
> The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, ‘Well, fer the love ‘o decency, here’s a comb…. Tidy yersel up a bit.

PC Joke

Admin — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 08:59:54 +0000

Apparently it’s no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so try this one:

The bouncer said, “Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.”