Random Jokes » Admin

The Longest Password

Admin — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 08:10:33 +0000

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyWashington”

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital

The Reunion

Admin — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 06:37:04 +0000

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven’t seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other through a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrives first and orders a bottle of chilled Chablis. Clare enters a few minutes later and after hugs and kisses, she joins Rachel in a glass of Chablis.

Then Sam walks in wearing a faded anorak, blue jeans and Wellington boots. She too shares the wine.

Rachel explains that after leaving school and graduating from Oxford in Classics, she met and married Timothy with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London ’s leading law firms. They live in a penthouse in North London where their daughter attends drama school. They have a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo .

Clare says she graduated from King’s College and became a Consultant Gynaecologist. Her husband Clive is a leading A&E Consultant. They live in a large detached house in Dulwich and have a second home in Florida .

Sam tells them that she left school at seventeen and ran off with her boyfriend Ben. They run a tropical bird park in Norfolk and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five canaries side by side on his willy.

Half way through the third bottle of Chablis, Rachel blurts out that her husband isn’t Timothy he’s Tom and he’s a clerk for Islington Council. They live in a terraced house in Muswell Hill and keep a caravan in France .

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her friend’s honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses in King’s College. They live in Herne Hill and have a timeshare in Orlando .

Samantha admits that the fifth canary has to stand on one leg

The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage

Admin — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 06:16:54 +0000

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ‘Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda DA money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for da 25th anniversary!’

The priest responded, ’Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?’

Giuseppe proudly replied, ” Ima gonna go pick her up.”

Went to a charity disco…

Admin — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 16:43:35 +0000

Went to a charity disco last week in aid of women born without legs, dance floor was crawling with fanny.

Spread the Stupidity

Admin — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 05:36:48 +0000

Spread the Stupidity

Only in America ……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America …..do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America ……do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America ……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ……….do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..

Only in America …..do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER …

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)…in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
Spread the Stupidity!

England World Cup Stories

Admin — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 13:44:27 +0000

Whats the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball…………

Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still
alive. He said that the England Team performance on Sunday was completely
s**t. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the
message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

Robert Green – The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything .

In a statement from broadcasting house, all future England games will now
be shown on the gay porn channel. It is thought that 11 arsåholes being
regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.

I can’t believe we only managed a draw against a s**t team we should easily
have beaten……I’m ashamed to call myself Algerian.

The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning,
“its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly
struggling, and facing the impossible” said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.

Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didn’t break into the
dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.

What’s the difference between Rob Green’s spill and BP’s spill?
- Robert Green has got a cap for his.

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car
park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He
stopped and asked, “Can you manage dear?” To which the old lady replied,
“No way. You got yourself into this f*****g mess, don’t ask me to sort it
out…”

The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into
the dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way
into the dressing room.
David Blaine is gutted that the record he got for doing F*** all in a box for 42 days has just been beaten by Wayne Rooney

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40

Admin — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 12:08:16 +0000

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags .

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Tragedy

Admin — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 09:25:15 +0000

DAVID CAMERON was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘Tragedy’.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a ‘Tragedy’.

A little boy stood up and offered, “If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin’ in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy.”

“Incorrect”, said David, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too-smug-

accent, “That would be an accident.”

A little girl raised her hand, “If a school bus kerryin’ fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a’body inside, that wid be a tragedy”

‘I’m afraid not’, explained David, “that’s what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. David searched the room.

“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: “If a plane kerryin’ you and Mr. Clegg wiz struck by a ‘freendly fire’ missile an’ blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaimed David, “and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

“Weel”, says the lad, “it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be a f*cking accident either!”

Doctor call out

Admin — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 04:24:41 +0000

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.

His mother tells him to stop it as he’s liable to break something, but the boy continues.

‘Johnny!’ Mom screams. ‘Knock it off,’ you’re going to break something.

He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store.

He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge, a diarrhea run.

She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she’s finished, she looks down and can’t believe what she’s seeing.

She’s not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.

The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he’ll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.

Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!

The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

“Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?” she asks.

He says, “I’ve been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I’ve ever actually seen a fart!”

Son Of A Bitch Fish

Admin — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 04:26:04 +0000

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, ‘Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!’

‘Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!’

‘No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it is – a Son of a Bitch fish!’

‘Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!’

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster..

‘Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen’

‘Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?’

‘Why, eat it! Of course. You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!’

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

‘Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!’

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, ‘Father!’

‘It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!’

‘Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?’

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

‘I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch’, she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

‘What are you doing Sister?’

‘Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop’s Dinner’

‘Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so upset! Please watch your language!’

‘No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a Bitch Fish.’

‘Really? Well, in that case, I’ll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!

Let me know when you’ve finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.’

On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said,’This is great fish, where did you get it?’

‘I caught that Son of a Bitch!’ proclaimed the proud priest.

‘And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!’ exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, ‘And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said,

‘You fuckers are my kind of people!’