Random Jokes

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’

The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.

‘That’s very good!’ replied the interviewer. ‘And, now you sir?’, he asked the second man.

‘Hmmm…let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is
the fastest thing I know of.’

‘Excellent!’ said the interviewer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliche for speed.’ He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. ‘Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. ‘It ‘s hard to beat the speed of light,’ he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me th at the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’

‘WHAT!?’ said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

‘Oh sure’, said BUBBA. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.’

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!..

Have a good day!!

TESTICULATING

Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING.

Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER.

A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS.

The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY.

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM.

An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING.

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see that’s going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)

MOUSE POTATO.

The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs.

Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a “home business”.

STRESS PUPPY.

A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

XEROX SUBSIDY.

Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.

The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE.

The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the “adminisphere” are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded “administrivia” needless paperwork and processes.

404.

Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND

That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you’ve just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you’ve hit ‘reply all’)

WOOFies.

Well Off Older Folk.

CROP DUSTING

Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

BRIEFING – Language at Work!!

Dear  Employees:

It has been brought to management’s  attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be  easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We  do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with  co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative “TRY SAYING”  phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information  can continue in an effective manner.

1)  TRY SAYING: I think you could  use more training.
 INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re  doing.

2)  TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
 INSTEAD OF: She’s  a f___ing bit__.

3)  TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
 INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4)  TRY SAYING: I’m certain  that isn’t feasible.
 INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5)  TRY SAYING: Really?
 INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh___ing me!

6)  TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
 INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a  sh__.

7)  TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
 INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f___ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That’s  interesting.
 INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9)  TRY SAYING: I’m not sure  this can be implemented.
 INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won’t work.

10)  TRY  SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
 INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn’t you tell  me sooner?

11)  TRY SAYING:  He’s not familiar with the issues.
 INSTEAD  OF: He’s got his head up his a__.

12)  TRY SAYING: Excuse me,  sir?
 INSTEAD FO: Eat sh__ and die.

13)  TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
 INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14)  TRY SAYING: I’m a bit  overloaded at the moment.
 INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I’m on salary.

15)  TRY  SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
 INSTEAD OF:  Shove it up your  a__.

16)  TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
 INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job  sucks.

17)  TRY SAYING:  You want me to take care of that?
 INSTEAD OF:  Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18)  TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
 INSTEAD OF: He’s a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human  Resources

Useful Expressions for those HIGH STRESS days

19.   I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
20.   A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
21.   Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
22.   I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
23.   How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
24.   I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
25.   I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
26.   Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?
27.   Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28.   Just smile and say “Yes, Mistress.”
29.   Chaos, panic, and disorder – my work here is done.
30.   Earth is full. Go home.
31.   Is it time for your medication or mine?
32.   Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
33.   I plead contemporary insanity.
34.   How do I set a laser printer to stun?
35.   I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
36.   When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you