The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here’s how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said, ‘What’s for dinner, Batman?’

Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm’s Christmas Party. He didn’t even remember how he got home. It’s 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night. He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden. He sat up.

The bedroom was clean and tidy, – there was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

‘I’ll ring your office and tell them you won’t be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There’s snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today; hope your eye doesn’t hurt too much.

See you tonight.

I love you, darling!

Love, Jillian. x’

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son was sitting at the table, eating. Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

‘Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. ‘

Confused, he asked his son, ‘So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?’

His son replied, ‘Oh THAT!… Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed,

‘Leave me alone you slapper, I’m married!!’

Broken Coffee Table £250
Hot Breakfast £3.50
Two Aspirins 20p

Saying the right thing, at the right time……PRICELESS

All of these are legitimate companies that didn’t spend quite enough time to consider how their online name might appear!

These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

1. ‘Who Represents’ is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity.

Their Web site is: www.whorepresents.com

2. ‘Experts Exchange’ is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:

www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than ‘Pen Island ‘. It can be found at: www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try ‘Therapist Finder’ at: www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then there’s the ‘Italian Power Generator’ company. Check it out at: www.powergenitalia.com

6. ‘IP computer’ software, there’s always: www.ip anywhere.com

7. And the designers at ‘Speed of Art’ await you at their wacky Web site: www.speedofart.com

So remember, just be careful what you name YOUR new web site!

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away…

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows..

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company..

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL

You have two cows. You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy….

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint…
    
it goes like this:

What makes 100%?
    
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
    
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
    
How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?
    
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
    
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
    
Is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.     
    
Then:    
    
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K    
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%    
    
and
    
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E    
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%    
    
But,    
    
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E    
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%    
    
And,
    
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T     
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
    
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
    
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G    
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
    
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’

The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.

‘That’s very good!’ replied the interviewer. ‘And, now you sir?’, he asked the second man.

‘Hmmm…let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is
the fastest thing I know of.’

‘Excellent!’ said the interviewer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliche for speed.’ He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. ‘Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. ‘It ‘s hard to beat the speed of light,’ he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me th at the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’

‘WHAT!?’ said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

‘Oh sure’, said BUBBA. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.’

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!..

Have a good day!!

Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING.

Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER.

A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS.

The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY.

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM.

An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING.

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see that’s going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)

MOUSE POTATO.

The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs.

Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a “home business”.

STRESS PUPPY.

A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

XEROX SUBSIDY.

Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.

The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE.

The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the “adminisphere” are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded “administrivia” needless paperwork and processes.

404.

Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND

That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you’ve just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you’ve hit ‘reply all’)

WOOFies.

Well Off Older Folk.

CROP DUSTING

Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

Dear  Employees:

It has been brought to management’s  attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be  easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We  do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with  co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative “TRY SAYING”  phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information  can continue in an effective manner.

1)  TRY SAYING: I think you could  use more training.
 INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re  doing.

2)  TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
 INSTEAD OF: She’s  a f___ing bit__.

3)  TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
 INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4)  TRY SAYING: I’m certain  that isn’t feasible.
 INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5)  TRY SAYING: Really?
 INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh___ing me!

6)  TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
 INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a  sh__.

7)  TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
 INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f___ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That’s  interesting.
 INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9)  TRY SAYING: I’m not sure  this can be implemented.
 INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won’t work.

10)  TRY  SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
 INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn’t you tell  me sooner?

11)  TRY SAYING:  He’s not familiar with the issues.
 INSTEAD  OF: He’s got his head up his a__.

12)  TRY SAYING: Excuse me,  sir?
 INSTEAD FO: Eat sh__ and die.

13)  TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
 INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14)  TRY SAYING: I’m a bit  overloaded at the moment.
 INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I’m on salary.

15)  TRY  SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
 INSTEAD OF:  Shove it up your  a__.

16)  TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
 INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job  sucks.

17)  TRY SAYING:  You want me to take care of that?
 INSTEAD OF:  Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18)  TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
 INSTEAD OF: He’s a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human  Resources

19.   I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
20.   A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
21.   Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
22.   I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
23.   How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
24.   I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
25.   I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
26.   Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?
27.   Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28.   Just smile and say “Yes, Mistress.”
29.   Chaos, panic, and disorder – my work here is done.
30.   Earth is full. Go home.
31.   Is it time for your medication or mine?
32.   Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
33.   I plead contemporary insanity.
34.   How do I set a laser printer to stun?
35.   I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
36.   When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you