Random Jokes

Meet Marvin, Men’s answer to Maxine!!!

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will  probably never be able to support you..
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with ‘A man once told me….’
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How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the  front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex  drive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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AND MAXINE SAYS…………’MARVIN’…

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate ome of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, ‘Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?’

‘My darling,’ she replied, ‘I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.’

The fishing trip

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn’t go this time because his wife wouldn’t let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave’s buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. “How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?”

“I didn’t have to,” Dave replied. “Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn’t go fishing. Then the ol’ lady snuck up behind me, covered my eyes and said, ‘Surprise’.”

“When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ‘ Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want’….. So, Here I am!”

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

‘May I see the new baby?’ I asked

‘Not yet,’ She said ‘I’ll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.’

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, ‘May I see the new baby now?’

‘No, not yet,’ She said..

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, ‘May I see the baby now?’

‘No, not yet,’ replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, ‘Well, when can I see the baby?’

‘WHEN HE CRIES!’ she told me.

‘WHEN HE CRIES?’ I demanded. ‘Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?’

‘BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!’

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.. Now you probably won’t remember, but I’m afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You’re going to be fine, you’ll walk again, everything seems to be okay, but there is a bit of bad news and I’m going to break it to you as gently as I can. Your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.’

The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on, ‘We’ve checked your insurance and you’ve actually got up to £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch.’

The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.)

‘So it’s a simple decision,’ the doctor says, ‘you need to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch willy before and you decide to go for a nine inch willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inches before and you decide only to invest in a five inches now, she might be a bit disappointed.
So it’s important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.’

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. ‘So’ he says, ‘have you spoken with your wife?’

‘I have.’ says the chap.

‘And has she helped you to make the decision?’

‘Yes, she has’ he says.

‘And what is the decision?’ asks the doctor.

‘We’re having a new kitchen!’