At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ‘Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda DA money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for da 25th anniversary!’

The priest responded, ’Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!  Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?’

Giuseppe proudly replied, ” Ima gonna go pick her up.”

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress…

a man’s heart beats quicker…

his throat gets dry…

he gets weak in the knees…

and he begins to think very irrationally???

Ever wonder why?

It’s because she smells like a new Golf Bag!

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED

By Wednesday OCTOBER 30, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1

Up in Winter, Down in Summer – How to Adjust a Thermostat

Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2

Which Takes More Energy – Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3

Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?–Group Debate.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase–Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5

Curling Irons–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?

Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning

At 7:00 PM

Class 6

How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7

Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?

Open Forum.

Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8

Health Watch–They Make Medicine for PMS – USE IT!

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9

I Was Wrong and He Was Right!–Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10

How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.

Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.

Class 11

Learning to Live–How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12

How to Shop by Yourself.

Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, ‘Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?’

‘My darling,’ she replied, ‘I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.’

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn’t go this time because his wife wouldn’t let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave’s buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. “How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?”

“I didn’t have to,” Dave replied. “Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn’t go fishing. Then the ol’ lady snuck up behind me, covered my eyes and said, ‘Surprise’.”

“When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ‘ Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want’….. So, Here I am!”

‘May I see the new baby?’ I asked

‘Not yet,’ She said ‘I’ll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.’

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, ‘May I see the new baby now?’

‘No, not yet,’ She said..

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, ‘May I see the baby now?’

‘No, not yet,’ replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, ‘Well, when can I see the baby?’

‘WHEN HE CRIES!’ she told me.

‘WHEN HE CRIES?’ I demanded. ‘Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?’

‘BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!’

The doctor comes in and says ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.. Now you probably won’t remember, but I’m afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You’re going to be fine, you’ll walk again, everything seems to be okay, but there is a bit of bad news and I’m going to break it to you as gently as I can. Your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.’

The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on, ‘We’ve checked your insurance and you’ve actually got up to £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch.’

The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.)

‘So it’s a simple decision,’ the doctor says, ‘you need to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch willy before and you decide to go for a nine inch willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inches before and you decide only to invest in a five inches now, she might be a bit disappointed.
So it’s important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.’

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. ‘So’ he says, ‘have you spoken with your wife?’

‘I have.’ says the chap.

‘And has she helped you to make the decision?’

‘Yes, she has’ he says.

‘And what is the decision?’ asks the doctor.

‘We’re having a new kitchen!’