A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying: ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, little Johnny?’

‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’

*

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

‘Why do you do that, mummy?’ he asked.

‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
‘What’s the matter?’ asked Little Johnny. ‘Giving up already?’

*

The teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in maths class.

She called on him and said, ‘Johnny! What are 3 and 6 and 174 and 601?’

Little Johnny quickly replied: ‘ITV, Sky One,  Five USA and the Cartoon Network!’

One of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

“Look at this!   It’s a frickin’ elephant!”

The teacher took a deep breath, then asked…”What did you call it?”

“It’s a frickin’ elephant!   It says so on the picture!”

And so it does…

” A f r i c a n Elephant “

How to get to Heaven in Scotland

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, ‘If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’

‘NO!’ the children answered.

‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, the answer was ‘No!’ By now I was starting to smile.

‘ Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, they all answered ‘No!’. I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ‘ Then how can I get into heaven?’

A six year-old boy shouted out ‘YUV GOTTAE BE FUCKN’ DEID……….

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers/Fruit Polo’s as we know them.

The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:

Red………………….Cherry
Yellow………………Lemon
Green………………Lime
Orange…………..Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.
After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

‘Well,’ she said, ‘I will give you all a clue.
It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’

One little girl looked up in horror, spat out her lifesaver and yelled,
‘Oh my God!! They’re arse-holes..’

        SMART ARSED ANSWER 5
        A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
        As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
        Without blinking an eyelid she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.’

        SMART ARSED ANSWER 4
        A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury’s store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
        She asked a passing assistant, ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’
        The assistant replied, ‘I’m afraid not, they’re dead.’

        SMART ARSED ANSWER 3
        The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
        ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the bobby said.
        The kid replied, ‘Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.’
        When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

        SMART ARSED ANSWER 2
        A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read
        ‘ Low Bridge Ahead.’ Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it…
        Cars are backed up for miles…
        Finally, a police car comes up…
        The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry’s cab and said to the driver, ‘Got stuck, eh?’
        The lorry driver said, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!’

        SMART ARSED ANSWER 1
        A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow’s final exam.
        ‘Now listen to me, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
        A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’
        The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
        When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, ‘Well, I suppose you’d have to write the exam with your other hand!’

The children began to say:
‘Red…………cherry,’
‘Yellow………lemon,’
‘Green……….lime,’
‘Orange……..orange.’

Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
‘Well,’ he said ‘I’ll give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’
One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

‘Oh My God!!!! They’re arse-holes!!’

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as ‘Euro-English’ .

In the first year, ‘s’ will replace the soft ‘c’. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard ‘c’ will be dropped in favour of ‘k’. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replaced with ‘f’. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent ‘e’ in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ‘th’ with ‘z’ and ‘w’ with ‘v’.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’ and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away…

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows..

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company..

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL

You have two cows. You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy….

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your bum, do not show him your bum.

This is a scam – he only wants to see your bum.

I wish I had got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap!!

It was addressed, “Dad.” With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing’s, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t, really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on my desk.                     

I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.