Random Jokes

Little Johnny’s at it again…..

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying: ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, little Johnny?’

‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’

*

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

‘Why do you do that, mummy?’ he asked.

‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
‘What’s the matter?’ asked Little Johnny. ‘Giving up already?’

*

The teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in maths class.

She called on him and said, ‘Johnny! What are 3 and 6 and 174 and 601?’

Little Johnny quickly replied: ‘ITV, Sky One,  Five USA and the Cartoon Network!’

A class of five-year old students are learning to read.

One of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

“Look at this!   It’s a frickin’ elephant!”

The teacher took a deep breath, then asked…”What did you call it?”

“It’s a frickin’ elephant!   It says so on the picture!”

And so it does…

” A f r i c a n Elephant “

Best read in yer broadest Scottish accent

How to get to Heaven in Scotland

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, ‘If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’

‘NO!’ the children answered.

‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, the answer was ‘No!’ By now I was starting to smile.

‘ Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, they all answered ‘No!’. I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ‘ Then how can I get into heaven?’

A six year-old boy shouted out ‘YUV GOTTAE BE FUCKN’ DEID……….

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers/Fruit Polo’s as we know them.

The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:

Red………………….Cherry
Yellow………………Lemon
Green………………Lime
Orange…………..Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.
After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

‘Well,’ she said, ‘I will give you all a clue.
It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’

One little girl looked up in horror, spat out her lifesaver and yelled,
‘Oh my God!! They’re arse-holes..’

        SMART ARSED ANSWER 6
        It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: ‘Would you like dinner?’ the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
        ‘What are my choices?’ the man asked..
        ‘Yes or no,’ she replied.

        SMART ARSED ANSWER 5
        A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
        As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
        Without blinking an eyelid she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.’

        SMART ARSED ANSWER 4
        A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury’s store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
        She asked a passing assistant, ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’
        The assistant replied, ‘I’m afraid not, they’re dead.’

        SMART ARSED ANSWER 3
        The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
        ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the bobby said.
        The kid replied, ‘Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.’
        When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

        SMART ARSED ANSWER 2
        A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read
        ‘ Low Bridge Ahead.’ Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it…
        Cars are backed up for miles…
        Finally, a police car comes up…
        The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry’s cab and said to the driver, ‘Got stuck, eh?’
        The lorry driver said, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!’

        SMART ARSED ANSWER 1
        A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow’s final exam.
        ‘Now listen to me, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
        A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’
        The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
        When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, ‘Well, I suppose you’d have to write the exam with your other hand!’