Random Jokes

The parish priest went on a fishing  trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a  monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, ‘Look  at the size of that Son of a Bitch!’

‘Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled  for!’

‘No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it  is – a Son of a Bitch fish!’

‘Really? Well then, help me land this  Son of a Bitch!’

Once in the boat, they marveled at the  size of the monster..

‘Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen’

‘Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?’

‘Why, eat it! Of course. You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!’

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

‘Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!’

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, ‘Father!’

‘It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!’

‘Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?’

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

‘I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch’, she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

‘What are you doing  Sister?’

‘Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop’s Dinner’

‘Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so  upset! Please watch your language!’

‘No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a  Bitch Fish.’

‘Really? Well, in that case, I’ll fix up  a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!

Let me know when you’ve finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.’

On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said,’This is great  fish, where did you get it?’

‘I caught that Son of a Bitch!’  proclaimed the proud priest.

‘And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!’ exclaimed  the Sister.

The Friar added, ‘And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!

The new Bishop looked around at each of  them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said,

‘You fuckers are my kind of  people!’

Two Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Shuie, are sitting in the Farmers Bar. Tam turns to Shuie and says, “Ye ken fit? I’m tired o’ gan through life withoot an education. The morn, I think I’ll gang doon to the community college and sign up for some classes.”
Shuie thinks it’s a good idea and the two leave.
The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the Lecturer who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History and Logic.
“Logic?” Tam says. “Fit’s at?”
The Lecturer says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?”
“Aye”
“Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a garden?”
“That’s true, I dee huv a gerden.”
“I’m not done,” the Lecturer says.
“Because you have a garden, I think logically that you would have a house.”
“Aye, I dee huv a hoose.”
“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”
“I huv a femily.”
“I’m not done yet.
Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.”
“Yer nae wrang!! I dee huv a wife!!”
“And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual?”
“I am a heterosexual.  That’s amazin’!! You were able to find a’ that oot, jist ‘cos I huv a strimmer.”
Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturer’s hand and leaves to meet Shuie at the pub.
He tells Shuie about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History and Logic.
“Logic?” Shuie says, “Fit’s at?”
Tam says, “I’ll tell ye. Di ye huv a strimmer?”
“No.”
“Well then, yer a poof.”

Edward I of England comes to Scotland to conquer the Scots.

He brings 4,000 men with him. As he nears the battlefield,

There suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill. A short, ginger-haired guy in a kilt.

‘Come  up here, ya English bastards, and I’ll  give ye a  hammerin’!’

Edward turns to his commander. ‘Send 20 men to deal with that little Scottish upstart, he says.

The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the scotsman

Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot  appears again.

‘Ya English diddies!’ he yells.’Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I’ll take ye all on!’

Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns  to his commander. ‘Send 100 men to kill that little shite!’

The commander sends 100 men Over the hill to do the job.

Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of  the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a wee bit torn.

‘Ya  English SCUM!’ he yells. ‘I’m  just warming up!! Come and get me, Ya  English shites !!’

Edward losses patience. ‘Commander, take 400 men and personally wipe that little bastard off the face of the earth!’ he yells.

The commander gulps, but leads four Hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill.

Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back.

His  clothing is all torn, his face is covered in blood, Snot and Irn-Bru.

‘Is that  the best ye can do??? You’re bloody WUMMIN!!! Come on!! Come and have a go, ya bunch of English Shites!!!’ he  yells.

Edward turns to his second in command. ‘Take 1,000 men over that hill and don’t come back till you’ve killed that little red haired bastard!’ he commands.

The  second in command gathers the men and they ride off  over the hill to their fate.

Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill. covered in blood, his clothes all torn off his back. ‘Your Majesty!’ he yells.

‘It’s a  trap!!!

There’s fucken two of  them!!!’

This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one. By giving an  honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options:

You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic Prize winning photo,documenting the death of one of the country’s most despised, evil and powerful men!

THE QUESTION:

Here’s the question, and please give an honest answer….

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear, A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story……

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular
‘Gosh…if I go down three inches I will feel the mist From
the water and I will be refreshed.’
There was a fish in the water thinking,
‘Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.’
There was a bear on the shore thinking,
‘Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches That fish will jump for the fly… And I will grab the fish!!’

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich….
‘Gosh,’ he thought, ‘if that fly goes down three inches…And that fish leaps for it… That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I’ll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.’
Now, you probably think this is Enough activity on one river bank,But I can tell you there’s more….

A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking,
‘Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches…
And that fish jumps for that fly..
And that bear grabs for that fish..
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.’

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch time)
‘Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches..
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
Then I can have mouse for lunch.’

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly…
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich…
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks…
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story….

Whenever a fly goes down three inches, Some pussy’s gonna be in serious danger.