Random Jokes

How to get Permission to play Golf

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy:
‘You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend.. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.’

Second Guy:
‘That’s nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.’

Third Guy:
‘Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.’

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has Not said a word.

So they ask him, ‘You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?’

Fourth guy:
‘I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the ass and said: ‘Golf course or intercourse?’ She said: ‘Wear sun-block

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and gusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

“I can’t jump out the window ~ It’s raining out there!”

“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied. “He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!”

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

“Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.

“Oh yes!” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully free!”

Another runner moved a long side. “Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?”

Oh , yes” our friend answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, “Do you always wear a condom when you run? ”

“Nope………just when it’s raining.

The Englishman’s wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. “Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded. “Well, you don’t give me enough housekeepin money to afford any,” she replied. The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”

Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. “Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?” She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me.” He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. “Jeesie peeps, Maggie! Where the fuk are yer drawers?” She too explains, “You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd ony.” The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, fer Christs sake ‘n the sake of decency, here’s a comb. Tidy yersel up a bit.”

12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV & Radio.
 
1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator – “And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!”
 
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator – “Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.”
 
3. Ted Walsh – Horse Racing Commentator – “This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.”
 
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 – “Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.”
 
5. US PGA Commentator – “One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ….. Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!”
 
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ‘Time Team Live’ said: “You’d eat beaver if you could get it.”
 
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
 
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: “Ballesteros felt much better today after getting a 69 yesterday.”
 
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: “There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.”
 
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: “Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.”
 
11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage remarked: They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his
shorts.”
 
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: “Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.”

also there is the one where a female commentator asks Ally Mcoist – after he is taken off before half time -  so Ally how does it feel being pulled off at half time  -  to which he answered – its gotta be better than cream cakes and tea!!!

 Why do cyclists wear Black Shorts?

Black shorts

Not Black Shorts