Random Jokes

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, “Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground !”

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.”

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s Mom asked, “Really small, was it?”

Sally replied, “No… Salty.”

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION

ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME

WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,

AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.

That’s why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,

But I only slept with you ’cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other

– that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s

empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;

But don’t take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes

Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe ‘Go to hell.’

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING

Little Johnny’s at it again…..

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying: ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, little Johnny?’

‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’

*

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

‘Why do you do that, mummy?’ he asked.

‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
‘What’s the matter?’ asked Little Johnny. ‘Giving up already?’

*

The teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in maths class.

She called on him and said, ‘Johnny! What are 3 and 6 and 174 and 601?’

Little Johnny quickly replied: ‘ITV, Sky One,  Five USA and the Cartoon Network!’

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
********************

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
********************

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
********************

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
‘What have you got there?’
Said the pie man unto Simon,
‘Pies, you dumb ass’ !!
********************

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings’ horses,
And all the kings’ men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
********************

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
********************

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.
********************

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad……..
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
******************************************************
You have to be old enough to appreciate this.
If you don’t understand, it is because you are too young.

DOG FOR SALE A guy is driving around the back woods of Southern Scotland when he sees a sign in front of a rather bedraggled looking farmhouse: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He drives on a bit until curiosity finally gets the better of him and he returns to the farmhouse. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "Do you talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what’s your story?” The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was just a pup. I thought I could put my talent to good use by working for the government, so I made contact with military intelligence. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country working for MI6, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. Every time my guy left to use the facilities, I’d be picking up the juicy stuff they didn’t want him to hear. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Glasgow Airport to do some undercover work with the Customs officers, standing 20-30 feet away from the desk and picking up all sorts of revealing information. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. After a while, even that became a bit tiring so I chucked it in, got married, had a load of puppies, and now I’m just retired.” The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. “Ten pounds,” the guy says. “A tenner? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?” “Because he’s a fucking liar. He never did any of that shit.”