Random Jokes

Two Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Shuie, are sitting in the Farmers bar, drinking beer. Tam turns to Shuie and says, “Ye ken fit? I’m tired o’ gan through life withoot an education. I’morn, I think I’ll go doon to the community college and sign up for some classes.” Shuie thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the Lecturer, who signs him up for the four basic classes: maths, English, history, and logic.

“Logic?” Tam says. “Fit’s at?”

The Lecturer says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?”

“Aye”

“Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a Garden.”

“That’s true, I dee huv a Garden.”

“I’m not done,” the Lecturer says. “Because you have a Garden, I think logically that you would have a house.”

“Aye, I dee huv a hoose.”

“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”

“I huv a femily.”

“I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.”

“Yer nae wrang!! I dee huv a wife!!”

“And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual.”

“I am a heterosexual. That’s amazin’!! You were able to find a’ that oot, ist ‘cos I huv a strimmer.” Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturers’s hand and leaves to meet Shuie at the pub.

He tells Shuie about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history and logic.

“Logic?” Shuie says, “Fit’s at?”

Tam says, “I’ll show ye. Do you huv a strimmer?”

“No.”

“Well then, ye must be a poof.”

The Englishman’s wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. “Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded. “Well, you don’t give me enough housekeepin money to afford any,” she replied. The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”

Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. “Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?” She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me.” He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. “Jeesie peeps, Maggie! Where the fuk are yer drawers?” She too explains, “You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd ony.” The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, fer Christs sake ‘n the sake of decency, here’s a comb. Tidy yersel up a bit.”

I was listening to a magazine-style programme on the radio yesterday morning while having breakfast when this item came on about telephone surveys. The presenter was speaking to a man from Edinburgh, who carried out market research and opinion polls for a major national company, by cold-calling people to ask their opinions on a variety of topics. He explained that, as a means of ensuring the person giving the answers was paying attention, every now and again then the person conducting the survey will slip in a question such as “ Name a famous Brtiish politician or give the title of a film starring Al Pacino.”

Anyway in one survey he was conducting one of the questions he had was “ Name a fish beginning with the letter “ S “.  The answers were much as you would expect, around 70% of people said salmon others gave sole, sardine, shark etc. So far so unremarkable, however when he came to the payoff, as it were, he rose to unparalleled heights in my estimation .

When he conducted the survey in Scotland when he asked the question “ Name a fish beginning with the letter “ S “.  3% of the people asked replied  “ SINGLE “ !!!!!!.

SCOTTISH NEWS GROUP NEWSFLASH­

KELTY EARTHQUAKE APPEAL

A major earthquake measuring 8.8 on the Richter scale hit Kelty in Fife in the early hours of Sunday morning. Victims were seen wandering around muttering,” what the fuck”, “a dinnae ken” and “yahoorsur’. The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30 – £40 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections and mementoes from the Balearics, Blackpool and the Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three historic areas of burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro’s arrived. The Dunfermline Press reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in the area.

One resident, Karen Sinclair, a seventeen year old mother of five, said “!t was such a shock that my little Chardonay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying, whilst my younger kids, Tyler Morgan, Alishia Storm and Shakira , slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Richard and Judy the next morning”. Apparently though looting, mugging, drug dealing, car crime, and prostitution has carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Buckfast and Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Argos, and fine bone china from Poundstretchers.

How can you help?                                                                                                                 

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothes for those unfortunates caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after. The most needed includes Fila or fake Burberry baseball caps, Kappa trackie tops (his & hers), shell suits, white sports socks (ok, off white will do), Rockport boots, donkey jackets and any other clothing usually bought from your local branch of “More Stores”

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required items include micro – chips, pot noodles, budget baked beans, ice cream, cans of Irn Bru or Special Brew and bottles of Buckie.

22 pence could buy a biro for filling in compensation claim forms

£2.00 buys chips and blue fizzy juice for a family of four.

£5.00 buys a lighter and a packet or fags to calm the nerves of those affected

Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair for the population of the neighbouring areas of Ballingry, Lochore, Steelend and Lumphinnans.