This announcement followed Ferrari’s decision to take advantage of the British government’s ‘Work for your Dole’ scheme and employ some Glasgow youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Castlemilk were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari’s existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew’s first practice session, not only was the Glasgow pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton’s bird in the shower.

AD ‘You say you went to your friends house that night. Why did you go?there?’

WITNESS ‘Tae get a tap.’

AD ‘Is your friend a plumber?’

WITNESS ‘Naw.’

AD ‘Are you a plumber?’

WITNESS ‘Naw.’

The witness is a bit bewildered by this line of questioning and the AD realises it, but notices that the court police officer is rubbing his fingers of one hand together in the universal gesture of money.

Daylight apparently dawns on the AD and he changes his line of questioning accordingly.

AD ‘So you went to the house to borrow money?’

WITNESS ‘Naw.’

AD ‘Ah. You went to the house to lend money?’

WITNESS ‘Naw.’

In exasperation the AD says, ‘You told the court you went to your friend’s? house for a tap. What kind of a tap was it?’.

WITNESS ……’A Sellick tap’.

IT’S A PURE DEAD GIVE-AWAY THAT YOU’RE SCOTTISH IF :-

Two Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Shuie, are sitting in the Farmers bar, drinking beer. Tam turns to Shuie and says, “Ye ken fit? I’m tired o’ gan through life withoot an education. I’morn, I think I’ll go doon to the community college and sign up for some classes.” Shuie thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the Lecturer, who signs him up for the four basic classes: maths, English, history, and logic.

“Logic?” Tam says. “Fit’s at?”

The Lecturer says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?”

“Aye”

“Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a Garden.”

“That’s true, I dee huv a Garden.”

“I’m not done,” the Lecturer says. “Because you have a Garden, I think logically that you would have a house.”

“Aye, I dee huv a hoose.”

“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”

“I huv a femily.”

“I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.”

“Yer nae wrang!! I dee huv a wife!!”

“And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual.”

“I am a heterosexual. That’s amazin’!! You were able to find a’ that oot, ist ‘cos I huv a strimmer.” Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturers’s hand and leaves to meet Shuie at the pub.

He tells Shuie about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history and logic.

“Logic?” Shuie says, “Fit’s at?”

Tam says, “I’ll show ye. Do you huv a strimmer?”

“No.”

“Well then, ye must be a poof.”

Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. “Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?” She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me.” He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. “Jeesie peeps, Maggie! Where the fuk are yer drawers?” She too explains, “You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd ony.” The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, fer Christs sake ‘n the sake of decency, here’s a comb. Tidy yersel up a bit.”

Anyway in one survey he was conducting one of the questions he had was “ Name a fish beginning with the letter “ S “.  The answers were much as you would expect, around 70% of people said salmon others gave sole, sardine, shark etc. So far so unremarkable, however when he came to the payoff, as it were, he rose to unparalleled heights in my estimation .

When he conducted the survey in Scotland when he asked the question “ Name a fish beginning with the letter “ S “.  3% of the people asked replied  “ SINGLE “ !!!!!!.

KELTY EARTHQUAKE APPEAL

A major earthquake measuring 8.8 on the Richter scale hit Kelty in Fife in the early hours of Sunday morning. Victims were seen wandering around muttering,” what the fuck”, “a dinnae ken” and “yahoorsur’. The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30 – £40 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections and mementoes from the Balearics, Blackpool and the Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three historic areas of burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro’s arrived. The Dunfermline Press reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in the area.

One resident, Karen Sinclair, a seventeen year old mother of five, said “!t was such a shock that my little Chardonay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying, whilst my younger kids, Tyler Morgan, Alishia Storm and Shakira , slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Richard and Judy the next morning”. Apparently though looting, mugging, drug dealing, car crime, and prostitution has carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Buckfast and Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Argos, and fine bone china from Poundstretchers.

How can you help?                                                                                                                 

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothes for those unfortunates caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after. The most needed includes Fila or fake Burberry baseball caps, Kappa trackie tops (his & hers), shell suits, white sports socks (ok, off white will do), Rockport boots, donkey jackets and any other clothing usually bought from your local branch of “More Stores”

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required items include micro – chips, pot noodles, budget baked beans, ice cream, cans of Irn Bru or Special Brew and bottles of Buckie.

22 pence could buy a biro for filling in compensation claim forms

£2.00 buys chips and blue fizzy juice for a family of four.

£5.00 buys a lighter and a packet or fags to calm the nerves of those affected

Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair for the population of the neighbouring areas of Ballingry, Lochore, Steelend and Lumphinnans.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. “A less costly alternative,” said the doctor, “is to go home, get a firework banger available from most east end corner shops all year round, put it in an empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

The Glesga Ned in the Charlie Nicholas parlance said to the doctor, “Ah might no be the smartest tool in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no tae huv ony mair weans.”

“Trust me,” said the doctor.

So the Ned went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: “1″ “2″ “3″ “4″  “5″….. at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs  and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure is available on the NHS, by the way, and works in Barrachnie, Garthamlock, Clydebank, Parkhead, Caldercruix, Shettleston, Bishopbrigs, Carmyle, and Barlanark.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a pub in Glasgow. After last orders the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the carpark for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the wipers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the carpark empty, he pulled away and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and approached the car carrying a breathalyzer test kit.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it”, said the truly proud Glaswegian, “Tonight officer, I’m the designated decoy.”