Random Jokes

DAVID CAMERON was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘Tragedy’.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a ‘Tragedy’.

A little boy stood up and offered, “If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin’ in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy.”

“Incorrect”, said David, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too-smug-

Two Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Shuie, are sitting in the Farmers Bar. Tam turns to Shuie and says, “Ye ken fit? I’m tired o’ gan through life withoot an education. The morn, I think I’ll gang doon to the community college and sign up for some classes.”
Shuie thinks it’s a good idea and the two leave.
The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the Lecturer who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History and Logic.
“Logic?” Tam says. “Fit’s at?”
The Lecturer says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?”
“Aye”
“Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a garden?”
“That’s true, I dee huv a gerden.”
“I’m not done,” the Lecturer says.
“Because you have a garden, I think logically that you would have a house.”
“Aye, I dee huv a hoose.”
“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”
“I huv a femily.”
“I’m not done yet.
Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.”
“Yer nae wrang!! I dee huv a wife!!”
“And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual?”
“I am a heterosexual.  That’s amazin’!! You were able to find a’ that oot, jist ‘cos I huv a strimmer.”
Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturer’s hand and leaves to meet Shuie at the pub.
He tells Shuie about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History and Logic.
“Logic?” Shuie says, “Fit’s at?”
Tam says, “I’ll tell ye. Di ye huv a strimmer?”
“No.”
“Well then, yer a poof.”

Edward I of England comes to Scotland to conquer the Scots.

He brings 4,000 men with him. As he nears the battlefield,

There suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill. A short, ginger-haired guy in a kilt.

‘Come  up here, ya English bastards, and I’ll  give ye a  hammerin’!’

Edward turns to his commander. ‘Send 20 men to deal with that little Scottish upstart, he says.

The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the scotsman

Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot  appears again.

‘Ya English diddies!’ he yells.’Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I’ll take ye all on!’

Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns  to his commander. ‘Send 100 men to kill that little shite!’

The commander sends 100 men Over the hill to do the job.

Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of  the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a wee bit torn.

‘Ya  English SCUM!’ he yells. ‘I’m  just warming up!! Come and get me, Ya  English shites !!’

Edward losses patience. ‘Commander, take 400 men and personally wipe that little bastard off the face of the earth!’ he yells.

The commander gulps, but leads four Hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill.

Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back.

His  clothing is all torn, his face is covered in blood, Snot and Irn-Bru.

‘Is that  the best ye can do??? You’re bloody WUMMIN!!! Come on!! Come and have a go, ya bunch of English Shites!!!’ he  yells.

Edward turns to his second in command. ‘Take 1,000 men over that hill and don’t come back till you’ve killed that little red haired bastard!’ he commands.

The  second in command gathers the men and they ride off  over the hill to their fate.

Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill. covered in blood, his clothes all torn off his back. ‘Your Majesty!’ he yells.

‘It’s a  trap!!!

There’s fucken two of  them!!!’

The story is allegedly true. The scene is a Glasgow court and a witness (a ned) is being questioned by a rather plummy mouthed Advocate Depute (AD)

AD ‘You say you went to your friends house that night. Why did you go?there?’

WITNESS ‘Tae get a tap.’

AD ‘Is your friend a plumber?’

WITNESS ‘Naw.’

AD ‘Are you a plumber?’

WITNESS ‘Naw.’

The witness is a bit bewildered by this line of questioning and the AD realises it, but notices that the court police officer is rubbing his fingers of one hand together in the universal gesture of money.

Daylight apparently dawns on the AD and he changes his line of questioning accordingly.

AD ‘So you went to the house to borrow money?’

WITNESS ‘Naw.’

AD ‘Ah. You went to the house to lend money?’

WITNESS ‘Naw.’

In exasperation the AD says, ‘You told the court you went to your friend’s? house for a tap. What kind of a tap was it?’.

WITNESS ……’A Sellick tap’.