On the last day of his trip he hooked a  monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, ‘Look  at the size of that Son of a Bitch!’

‘Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled  for!’

‘No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it  is – a Son of a Bitch fish!’

‘Really? Well then, help me land this  Son of a Bitch!’

Once in the boat, they marveled at the  size of the monster..

‘Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen’

‘Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?’

‘Why, eat it! Of course. You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!’

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

‘Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!’

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, ‘Father!’

‘It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!’

‘Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?’

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

‘I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch’, she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

‘What are you doing  Sister?’

‘Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop’s Dinner’

‘Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so  upset! Please watch your language!’

‘No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a  Bitch Fish.’

‘Really? Well, in that case, I’ll fix up  a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!

Let me know when you’ve finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.’

On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said,’This is great  fish, where did you get it?’

‘I caught that Son of a Bitch!’  proclaimed the proud priest.

‘And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!’ exclaimed  the Sister.

The Friar added, ‘And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!

The new Bishop looked around at each of  them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said,

‘You fuckers are my kind of  people!’

Each priest had a small bell attached to his willy, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up…

and all the other bells started to ring.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. ‘Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.’

‘I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..’

‘I agree,’ says the Father. ‘Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?’

‘Anything, Father.’

‘I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.’

‘Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.’

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

‘Sister, would you mind if I touched them?’……she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

‘Father, could I ask something of you?’

‘Yes, Sister?’

‘I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?’

‘I suppose that would be OK,’ the Priest replied lifting his robe.

‘Oh Father, may I touch it?’

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

‘Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give Life.’

‘Is that true Father?’

‘Yes, it is, Sister.’

‘Oh Father, that’s wonderful … Stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!’

————————————————————————

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink.

He replied in disgust ‘I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor
touch my lips!’

Paddy handed his drink back & said ‘Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice’

————————————————————————

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks ‘How many people are
flying with you?’

Paddy replies ‘I don’t know! Its your f***ing plane!!’

————————————————————————

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of
amazing sex Paddy says ‘I wonder how the girls are getting on’

————————————————————————

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies
on the bed spread-eagled & says ‘You know what I want don’t you?’

‘Yeah,’ says Paddy. ‘The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!’

————————————————————————

Q. What’s a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you’ve got to watch your arse if you  get a
dodgy one!

————————————————————————

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not
servicing the electric chair.  He said in his professional opinion it was a
death trap!

————————————————————————

Paddy’s chat up lines:

1. Did ya fart? ‘Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? ‘Cos you’re special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just can’t hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? ‘Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts
tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a
light switch away!

————————————————————————

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman who’s head was found on Arbroath
beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which  point Paddy said ‘I don’t think
that’s her, she wasn’t that tall!’

————————————————————————

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad
in the garden. Paddy says ‘To hell with this!’ & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks ‘What did you do?’

Paddy replies ‘I’ve put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!’

————————————————————————

An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says ‘You’re not very tight for a
Jew!’

She says ‘Well you’re not very thick for a Paddy!’

————————————————————————

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

‘Be Jeysus!’ he said, ‘I didnt even know they had mobile phones!’

————————————————————————

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops.

He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts ‘Its thick fu**wits like you
that give us Irish a bad name! I’d come over there & kick the s**t out of
you if I could swim!’

—————————————————————————-

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy ‘I’m
gonna have the day off, I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!’

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts ‘I’M A LIGHTBULB! I’M
A LIGHTBULB!’ Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts ‘Paddy you’re mad, go home’ So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

‘Where the hell are you going?’ asks the Foreman.

‘I cant work in the friggin dark! ‘ says Murphy.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
‘What are the greens fees?,’ grumbled the old man.

‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked.

‘That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.This is Heaven!’

The old man pushed, ‘No gym to work out at?’

‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.

‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’
‘Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.’

The old man glared at his wife and said, ‘You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!’

The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’

The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then stopped.’

The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’

The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’

The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’

The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.’

The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’

The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’

The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?’

Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’

Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’

Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

‘It is!’

‘This is the Tax Dept. Can you help us?’

‘I can!’

‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’

‘I do!’

‘Is he a member of your congregation?’

‘He is!’

‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’

‘He will.’