Random Jokes

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his willy, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up…

and all the other bells started to ring.

Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. ‘Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.’

‘I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..’

‘I agree,’ says the Father. ‘Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?’

‘Anything, Father.’

‘I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.’

‘Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.’

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

‘Sister, would you mind if I touched them?’……she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

‘Father, could I ask something of you?’

‘Yes, Sister?’

‘I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?’

‘I suppose that would be OK,’ the Priest replied lifting his robe.

‘Oh Father, may I touch it?’

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

‘Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give Life.’

‘Is that true Father?’

‘Yes, it is, Sister.’

‘Oh Father, that’s wonderful … Stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!’

Paddy & Murphy go to London to donate sperm.. It was a disaster! Paddy
missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink.

He replied in disgust ‘I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor
touch my lips!’

Paddy handed his drink back & said ‘Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice’

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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks ‘How many people are
flying with you?’

Paddy replies ‘I don’t know! Its your f***ing plane!!’

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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of
amazing sex Paddy says ‘I wonder how the girls are getting on’

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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies
on the bed spread-eagled & says ‘You know what I want don’t you?’

‘Yeah,’ says Paddy. ‘The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!’

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Q. What’s a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you’ve got to watch your arse if you  get a
dodgy one!

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Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not
servicing the electric chair.  He said in his professional opinion it was a
death trap!

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Paddy’s chat up lines:

1. Did ya fart? ‘Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? ‘Cos you’re special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just can’t hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? ‘Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts
tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a
light switch away!

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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman who’s head was found on Arbroath
beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which  point Paddy said ‘I don’t think
that’s her, she wasn’t that tall!’

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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad
in the garden. Paddy says ‘To hell with this!’ & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks ‘What did you do?’

Paddy replies ‘I’ve put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!’

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An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says ‘You’re not very tight for a
Jew!’

She says ‘Well you’re not very thick for a Paddy!’

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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

‘Be Jeysus!’ he said, ‘I didnt even know they had mobile phones!’

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An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops.

He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts ‘Its thick fu**wits like you
that give us Irish a bad name! I’d come over there & kick the s**t out of
you if I could swim!’

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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy ‘I’m
gonna have the day off, I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!’

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts ‘I’M A LIGHTBULB! I’M
A LIGHTBULB!’ Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts ‘Paddy you’re mad, go home’ So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

‘Where the hell are you going?’ asks the Foreman.

‘I cant work in the friggin dark! ‘ says Murphy.

Bran Muffins
 
The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
‘What are the greens fees?,’ grumbled the old man.

‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked.

‘That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.This is Heaven!’

The old man pushed, ‘No gym to work out at?’

‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.

‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’
‘Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.’

The old man glared at his wife and said, ‘You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!’