Random Jokes

DAVID CAMERON was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘Tragedy’.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a ‘Tragedy’.

A little boy stood up and offered, “If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin’ in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy.”

“Incorrect”, said David, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too-smug-

> >> Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street ;
> >> one from London , another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool .
> >>
> >> They go with a government official to examine the fence.
> >>
> >> The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
> >> then works some figures with a pencil.
> >>
> >> ‘Well’, he says, ‘I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for
> >> materials,
> >> £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.’
> >>
> >> The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then
> >> says,
> >> ‘I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and
> >> £100
> >> profit for me.’
> >>
> >> The Liverpool contractor doesn’t measure or figure but leans over to the
> >> Government official and whispers, “£2,700.”
> >>
> >> The official, incredulous, says, ‘You didn’t even measure like the other
> >> guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?’
> >>
> >> The Liverpool contractor whispers back, ‘£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and
> >> we
> >> hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.’
> >>
> >> ‘Done!’ replies the government official.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> And that friends, …… is how it all works.

While I was driving down the M8 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked:
“Runway too short?”
To which I replied, “I’m late for work.”

To which he asked, “What do you do?”
“I’m a rectum stretcher,” I responded.
The copper was surprised and confused. “A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”
“Well,” I said, “I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it’s about 6 feet.”

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, “And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?”
To which I politely replied, “You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”

Speeding ticket: £105.00
Court costs: £45
Look on copper’s face: Priceless.

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.  By following simple advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Oz proclaimed, “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.”

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Tequila, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.  You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Pass this on if you know anyone you think might be in need of inner peace.