“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyWashington”

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ‘Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda DA money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for da 25th anniversary!’

The priest responded, ’Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!  Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?’

Giuseppe proudly replied, ” Ima gonna go pick her up.”

Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still
alive. He said that the England Team performance on Sunday was completely
s**t. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the
message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

Robert Green – The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything .

In a statement from broadcasting house, all future England games will now
be shown on the gay porn channel. It is thought that 11 arsåholes being
regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.

I can’t believe we only managed a draw against a s**t team we should easily
have beaten……I’m ashamed to call myself Algerian.

The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning,
“its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly
struggling, and facing the impossible” said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.

Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didn’t break into the
dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.

What’s the difference between Rob Green’s spill and BP’s spill?
- Robert Green has got a cap for his.

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car
park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He
stopped and asked, “Can you manage dear?” To which the old lady replied,
“No way. You got yourself into this f*****g mess, don’t ask me to sort it
out…”

The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into
the dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way
into the dressing room.
David Blaine is gutted that the record he got for doing F*** all in a box for 42 days has just been beaten by Wayne Rooney

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags .

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

The teacher asked Mr. Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘Tragedy’.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a ‘Tragedy’.

A little boy stood up and offered, “If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin’ in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy.”

“Incorrect”, said David, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too-smug-

To which he asked, “What do you do?”
“I’m a rectum stretcher,” I responded.
The copper was surprised and confused. “A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”
“Well,” I said, “I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it’s about 6 feet.”

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, “And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?”
To which I politely replied, “You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”

Speeding ticket: £105.00
Court costs: £45
Look on copper’s face: Priceless.

Dr. Oz proclaimed, “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.”

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Tequila, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.  You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Pass this on if you know anyone you think might be in need of inner peace.