A pick pocket snatches watches
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A Glaswegian takes his date home to meet the parents; he says this is Amanda!
His father jumps up and says "its a f**king what?"
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Was banging this nice lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, use the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.
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Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the f*ck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
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I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I f###ed a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. ‘A less costly alternative,’ said the doctor, ‘is to go home, get a firework, put it in an empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10..
The husband said to the doctor, ‘Ah might no be the sharpest chisel in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no tae huv ony mair weans.’
Trust me,’ said the doctor.
So the couple went home, the husband lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to
count: ’1′ ’2′ ’3′ ’4”5′ ….. at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure is available on the NHS and has proved to be successful in Govan, Clydebank, Paisley, and some parts of Livingston, Coatbridge and Bathgate

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says,         ‘ Licence and registration, please.’

London Lawyer says,     ‘What for?’

Glasgow cop says,        ‘Ye  didnae  come to a complete stop at the stop sign.’

London Lawyer says,    ‘I slowed down, and no one was coming.’

Glasgow cop says,        ‘Ye  still didnae  come to a complete stop. Licence and  registration, please.’

London Lawyer says,   ‘What’s the difference?’

Glasgow cop says,       ‘The difference is, ye  huvte to come to complete stop, that’s  the law,  Licence and registration, please!’

London Lawyer says,   ‘If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and  don’t give me the ticket.’

Glasgow cop says,       ‘Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.’

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says ‘Dae  ye  want me to stop, or just slow doon?’

The girl was  wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was  being pulled by her dog and her cat. The  firefighter walked over to take a closer  look.

‘That  sure is a nice fire truck,’ the firefighter said  with admiration… ‘Thanks,’ the girl replied.  The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl  had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to  the cat’s testicles..

‘Little  partner,’ the firefighter said, ‘I don’t want to  tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to  tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think  you could go faster.’

The  little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You’re  probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a  siren.’

“We met in a secluded field, the sun almost kissing the horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent, that only those fortunate to live outside the urban rat race know, and the quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked. I knew that I had to have her, and have her now.

Without a word being spoken, I moved into a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for, as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.

Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind, and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair, every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable, mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment that we had been building towards was upon us, and passed all too quickly.

Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace.  I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassurance of how good she had been.

She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear, then whispered…………

“”Baaaaaaaa”" and rejoined the flock.”

This novel is only for sale in New Zealand , Wales , and certain parts of Derbyshire.

The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce
it ill mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados , no more
summers in Tuscany , no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club.
But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
“Who’s that woman with Moishe?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” says the wife.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,
WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE
SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO
OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED
HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

‘YES, YES I DID. I’M A MORGANNER! ‘HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

‘WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?’ I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

‘YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!’ I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BASTARD ASKED…..

‘WHAT DID YOU TEACH?’

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period Mr Thatcher? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body.
Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’

Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

Are you f@cking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period?
Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you
have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’.
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere.
And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that’s a promise I will keep.

Always. . …

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

>
> ‘No, but it shouldn’t be long now.
> She sent all her clothes yesterday?