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Archive for the ‘“real” life jokes’ Category

The Longest Password

July 31st, 2010 Admin No comments

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyWashington”

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital

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The Reunion

July 29th, 2010 Admin No comments

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven’t seen each other since High School.  They rediscover each other through a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrives first and orders a bottle of chilled Chablis.  Clare enters a few minutes later and after hugs and kisses, she joins Rachel in a glass of Chablis.

Then Sam walks in wearing a faded anorak, blue jeans and Wellington boots.   She too shares the wine.

Rachel explains that after leaving school and graduating from Oxford in Classics, she met and married Timothy with whom she has a beautiful daughter.  Timothy is a partner in one of London ’s leading law firms.  They live in a penthouse in North London where their daughter attends drama school.  They have a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo .

Clare says she graduated from King’s College and became a Consultant Gynaecologist.  Her husband Clive is a leading A&E Consultant.  They live in a large detached house in Dulwich and have a second home in Florida .

Sam tells them that she left school at seventeen and ran off with her boyfriend Ben.  They run a tropical bird park in Norfolk and grow their own vegetables.  Ben can stand five canaries side by side on his willy.

Half way through the third bottle of Chablis, Rachel blurts out that her husband isn’t Timothy he’s Tom and he’s a clerk for Islington Council.  They live in a terraced house in Muswell Hill and keep a caravan in France .

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her friend’s honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses in King’s College.  They live in Herne Hill and have a timeshare in Orlando .

Samantha admits that the fifth canary has to stand on one leg

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The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage

July 22nd, 2010 Admin No comments

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ‘Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda DA money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for da 25th anniversary!’

The priest responded, ’Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!  Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?’

Giuseppe proudly replied, ” Ima gonna go pick her up.”

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Categories: "real" life jokes, Wife Jokes Tags:

England World Cup Stories

July 1st, 2010 Admin No comments

Whats the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball…………

Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still
alive. He said that the England Team performance on Sunday was completely
s**t. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the
message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

Robert Green – The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything .

In a statement from broadcasting house, all future England games will now
be shown on the gay porn channel. It is thought that 11 arsåholes being
regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.

I can’t believe we only managed a draw against a s**t team we should easily
have beaten……I’m ashamed to call myself Algerian.

The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning,
“its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly
struggling, and facing the impossible” said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.

Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didn’t break into the
dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.

What’s the difference between Rob Green’s spill and BP’s spill?
- Robert Green has got a cap for his.

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car
park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He
stopped and asked, “Can you manage dear?” To which the old lady replied,
“No way. You got yourself into this f*****g mess, don’t ask me to sort it
out…”

The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into
the dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way
into the dressing room.
David Blaine is gutted that the record he got for doing F*** all in a box for 42 days has just been beaten by Wayne Rooney

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EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40

July 1st, 2010 Admin No comments

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags .

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

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