Random Jokes » One Liner Jokes

Some One Liner Jokes

Admin — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 10:00:38 +0000

Some one liner jokes

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time…..

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin… 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it…

I thought to myself, these buggers have lost the plot!!

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast ‘The Flintstones’. A spokesman for the channel said….

‘A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.’

My son’s been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70. B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.1415927 dead

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. “Morning.” I said. “No” he replied, “just having a shit.”

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’ I bought her some bathroom scales.

Went around to a friend’s house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I’d like to wind it…. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

Saw my mate outside the Doctor’s today looking really worried. “What’s the matter?” I asked. “I’ve got the big C,” he said. “What, cancer?” “No, dyslexia.”

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn’t what he was expecting.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.

Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’. Wife says, ‘Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ – I thought, ‘What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?’

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him

Meet Marvin, Men’s answer to Maxine!!!

Admin — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 07:12:24 +0000

Meet Marvin, Men’s answer to Maxine!!!

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
———————————————————–

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you..
———————————————————–

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
———————————————————–

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with ‘A man once told me….’
———————————————————–
How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
———————————————————-

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
– ——————————————————–

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.
—————————————————-

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
——————————————————

Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
——————————————————

AND MAXINE SAYS…………’MARVIN’…

TOMMY COOPER – COMIC GENIUS

Admin — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 07:47:01 +0000

1. Two blondes walk into a building……….you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message – ‘…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…’

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, ‘Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.’

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, ‘No, the steaks are too high.’

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’ The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off’.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in it, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’

12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’ ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘ Is it common? ‘ ‘It’s not unusual.’

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. ‘My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’ ‘Well,’ says the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him’ So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”No, because he’s really heavy’

14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. ‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.’ ‘How’s that?’ ‘Don’t you start.’

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘Your round.’ The other one says ‘So are you, you fat bast**d!’

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. ‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places’ The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there anymore’

23. Ireland ‘s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

10 amazingly simple home remedies

Admin — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 12:29:40 +0000

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat just by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
In life, you only need two tools – WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

Eight Words with two Meanings

Admin — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 11:38:23 +0000

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male….. Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female….. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female…. An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male….. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Edinburgh Festival one liners (Pt 2)

Admin — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 19:39:57 +0000

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the girl out of Cork… I got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax. Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. Hey – you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda. I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I’ve already got one!" I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation – but I’m not very good at it. If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that. It’s easy to distract fat people. It’s a piece of cake.

More on Edinburgh Festival one liners (Pt 2)

Edinburgh Festival one liners (Pt 1)

Admin — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 19:45:55 +0000

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be sh*tting herself. My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child… well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She’ll go: "What’s my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn’t listening…Self-raising?" Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

More on Edinburgh Festival one liners (Pt 1)