Went to a charity disco…
July 16th, 2010
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Went to a charity disco last week in aid of women born without legs, dance floor was crawling with fanny.
Categories: One Liner Jokes
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Archive for the ‘One Liner Jokes’ Category
Meet Marvin, Men’s answer to Maxine!!!
October 23rd, 2009
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Meet Marvin, Men’s answer to Maxine!!!
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you..
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with ‘A man once told me….’
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How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
– ——————————————————–
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
——————————————————
AND MAXINE SAYS…………’MARVIN’…
Categories: Adult funny jokes, One Liner Jokes, Wife Jokes
TOMMY COOPER – COMIC GENIUS
September 8th, 2009
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1. Two blondes walk into a building……….you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message – ‘…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…’
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, ‘Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.’
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, ‘No, the steaks are too high.’
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’ The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off’.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in it, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’
12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’ ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘ Is it common? ‘ ‘It’s not unusual.’
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. ‘My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’ ‘Well,’ says the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him’ So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”No, because he’s really heavy’
14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. ‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.’ ‘How’s that?’ ‘Don’t you start.’
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘Your round.’ The other one says ‘So are you, you fat bast**d!’
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. ‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places’ The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there anymore’
23. Ireland ‘s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Categories: Funny Clean Jokes, Humorous jokes, One Liner Jokes
10 amazingly simple home remedies
September 20th, 2008
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1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat just by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
In life, you only need two tools – WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
Categories: "real" life jokes, One Liner Jokes
Eight Words with two Meanings
July 27th, 2008
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Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male….. Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female….. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female…. An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male….. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Categories: One Liner Jokes
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