SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST
An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist who
Shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled
With patients.
As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the
Receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
Wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
‘YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?’
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around
To look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
‘NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON ‘T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.’
DON ‘T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
Filed under "real" life jokes, Funny Clean Jokes, Men, Retirement Jokes by 
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie.
Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health insurance benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out is costly and not reasonable and I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.
But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while and, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrated women get, as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing this was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Sincerely,
Jeff
EDITOR’S NOTE:
Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jeff somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
Filed under Men, Wife Jokes by
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following
circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be
legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off limits forever unless you actually intend to marry her.
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is
forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man.
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops,
not the weakest.
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you
may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s
playing.
10. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to orgasm. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
fart entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend, and soon to be
wife.
11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when
you’re sunning on a tropical beach … And it’s delivered by a topless
modeland only when it’s free.
12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you
allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
14. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15. If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see
anything.
16. Women who claim they ‘love to watch sports’ must be treated
as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game along with the
ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman
must remain sober enough to fight.
18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice
of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.
19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be
talking about his choice of beer.
20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.
21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
A) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
B) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
C) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing (I.E., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.). For all
other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on
longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
phone.Hang up if necessary.
24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly ‘just a
friend’ have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling
weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again
before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not
acceptable for her to drive your truck.
26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime
green, or sky blue.
27. The girl who replies to the question ‘What do you want for
Christmas?’ with ‘If you loved me, you’d know what I want!’ gets an
Xbox. End of story.
28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s
Gymnastics. Ever.
29. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do
you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definition of each is listed below:
‘GUTS’ is arriving home late after a night out with The guys,
being assaulted by your wife with a broom, And having the guts to say,
‘are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?’
‘BALLS’ is coming home late after a night out with the guys
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the ass and having the balls to say, ‘You’re next Fatty!’
Filed under Men by
THE ROOM WAS FULL OF PREGNANT WOMEN WITH THEIR PARTNERS.
THE CLASS WAS IN FULL SWING.
THE INSTRUCTOR WAS TEACHING THE WOMEN HOW TO BREATHE PROPERLY AND WAS TELLING THE MEN HOW TO GIVE THE NECESSARY ASSURANCE TO THEIR PARTNERS AT THIS STAGE OF THE PREGNANCY.
SHE SAID " LADIES, REMEMBER THAT EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR YOU.
WALKING IS ESPECIALLY BENEFICIAL. IT STRENGTHENS THE PELVIC MUSCLES AND WILL MAKE DELIVERY THAT MUCH EASIER!"
SHE LOOKED AT THE MEN IN THE ROOM, "AND GENTLEMEN, REMEMBER – YOU’RE IN THIS TOGETHER — IT WOULDN’T HURT YOU TO GO WALKING WITH HER."
THE ROOM SUDDENLY GOT VERY QUIET AS THE MEN ABSORBED THIS INFORMATION.
THEN A MAN AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM SLOWLY RAISED HIS HAND.
"YES?" ANSWERED THE TEACHER.
"I WAS JUST WONDERING. IS IT ALL RIGHT IF SHE CARRIES A GOLF BAG WHILE WE WALK?"
Filed under Men, Wife Jokes by