Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress…

a man’s heart beats quicker…

his throat gets dry…

he gets weak in the knees…

and he begins to think very irrationally???

Ever wonder why?

It’s because she smells like a new Golf Bag!

2. Men are like.Bananas .. The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather .. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like ….Blenders You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ….Chocolate Bars…. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ….Commercials……. You can’t believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores . Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like ……Government Bonds …. They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like …..Mascara .. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn …… They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms ….. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like .Lava Lamps … Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking SpotsAll the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

2 Men are like. Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather
Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders
You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials
You can’t believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like Government Bonds
…. They take soooooooo long to mature.

9.Men are like  Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11.Men are like Snowstorms
You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

12.Men are like Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here’s how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said, ‘What’s for dinner, Batman?’

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

 An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist  who
Shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled
With patients.
 
  As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the
Receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
Wrestler. He gave her his name.
 
  In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

‘YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?’

  All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around
To look at the very embarrassed man.

 He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

‘NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON ‘T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.’

        DON ‘T  MESS  WITH  OLD  FOLKS.

When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie.

Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health insurance benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I  am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before  she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her.

Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have  lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out is costly and not reasonable and I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for  them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can  by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to  motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it  is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her  lunch hour.

But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you  know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more  rest periods.

She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to  fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while and, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrated women get, as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing this was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on  this earth to help each other.

Sincerely,

Jeff

EDITOR’S  NOTE:

Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a  sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jeff somehow, without looking,  accidentally sat down on his golf club.

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, ‘Where did you come from? How did You get here?’ She replies, ‘I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.’

‘Amazing,’ he notes. ‘You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.’ ‘Oh, this thing?’ explains the woman. ‘I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.’

‘But, where did you get the tools?’

‘Oh, that was no problem,’ replied the woman. ‘On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware..’

The guy is stunned.

‘Let’s row over to my place,’ she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, ‘It’s not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?’

‘No! No thank you,’ he blurts out, still dazed. ‘I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.’ ‘It’s not coconut juice,’ winks the woman. ‘I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?’

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, ‘I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.’

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

‘This woman is amazing,’ he muses. ‘What next?’

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

‘Tell me,’ she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, ‘We’ve been out here for many months. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for?’ She stares into his eyes .

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes…..

‘F*****g hell, don’t tell me you’ve got Sky Sports?’

 1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following
circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be
legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off limits forever unless you actually intend to marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is
forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops,
not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you
may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s
playing.

10. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to orgasm. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
fart entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend, and soon to be
wife.

11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when
you’re sunning on a tropical beach … And it’s delivered by a topless
modeland only when it’s free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you
allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see
anything.

16. Women who claim they ‘love to watch sports’ must be treated
as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game along with the
ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman
must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice
of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be
talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
A) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
B) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
C) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing (I.E., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.). For all
other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on
longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
phone.Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly ‘just a
friend’ have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling
weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again
before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not
acceptable for her to drive your truck.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime
green, or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question ‘What do you want for
Christmas?’ with ‘If you loved me, you’d know what I want!’ gets an
Xbox. End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s
Gymnastics. Ever.

29. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do
you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definition of each is listed below:

‘GUTS’ is arriving home late after a night out with The guys,
being assaulted by your wife with a broom, And having the guts to say,
‘are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?’

‘BALLS’ is coming home late after a night out with the guys
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the ass and having the balls to say, ‘You’re next Fatty!’

THE CLASS WAS IN FULL SWING.

THE  INSTRUCTOR WAS TEACHING THE WOMEN HOW TO BREATHE PROPERLY AND WAS TELLING THE MEN HOW TO GIVE THE NECESSARY ASSURANCE TO THEIR PARTNERS AT THIS STAGE OF THE PREGNANCY.

SHE SAID " LADIES, REMEMBER THAT EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR YOU.
WALKING IS ESPECIALLY BENEFICIAL. IT STRENGTHENS THE PELVIC MUSCLES AND WILL MAKE DELIVERY THAT MUCH EASIER!"

SHE  LOOKED AT THE MEN IN THE ROOM, "AND GENTLEMEN, REMEMBER  –  YOU’RE IN THIS TOGETHER — IT  WOULDN’T HURT YOU TO GO WALKING WITH  HER."

THE  ROOM SUDDENLY GOT VERY QUIET AS THE MEN ABSORBED THIS INFORMATION.

THEN A MAN AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM SLOWLY RAISED HIS HAND.
"YES?" ANSWERED THE TEACHER.

"I WAS JUST WONDERING.  IS IT ALL RIGHT IF SHE CARRIES A GOLF BAG WHILE WE WALK?"