Random Jokes

Last night, my husband and I were sitting in the living room and I said to him, ‘I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.’

He got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

He’s such an ass . . .

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical advice from the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said ‘OK, take off all your crose.’

The woman did as she was told.’Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room.’

Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said ‘OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.’

As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly.
‘Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever see.

Dat why you not haf sex or dates.’

The woman asked anxiously ‘Oh my God, Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary disease?’

Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied,

‘Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse.’

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good old-fashioned ’stiff drink’. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A woman sitting in an Adelaide pub suddenly began to cough.  After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
 
“Ken ya swaller?” asked Bluey
 
The woman signalled “no!”, desperately shaking her head.
 
“Kin ya breathe?” asked Bazza.  The woman shook her head “No!!”
 
With that, Bluey walked up behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her butt.
 
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
 
Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
 
Bazza sat in admiration.  “Ya know Bluey, I’d heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that’s the first time I ever seen somebody do it.”

A man goes into a doctors surgery and sits down.

The doctor say,”How can I help you?”

So the man unzips his trousers, gets willy out and slaps it on the doctors desk.

“Well, what’s wrong with it?” asks the doctor

“Nothing. It’s a Cracker isn’t it!”