Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.”

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s Mom asked, “Really small, was it?”

Sally replied, “No… Salty.”

One of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

“Look at this!   It’s a frickin’ elephant!”

The teacher took a deep breath, then asked…”What did you call it?”

“It’s a frickin’ elephant!   It says so on the picture!”

And so it does…

” A f r i c a n Elephant “

**’No, Daddy..**
**She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.’**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**
**’But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.’**

**’Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..’**

Brief Pause.

**’Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.’**

**’Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.’**

**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**’I did it, Daddy.’**

**’And what happened, honey?’ **

‘Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn’t moving at all!’**

**’Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?’**

**’He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.’**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**’Swimming pool? …………**

**Is this 486-5731?’*

**No, I think you have the wrong number…….*

How to get to Heaven in Scotland

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, ‘If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’

‘NO!’ the children answered.

‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, the answer was ‘No!’ By now I was starting to smile.

‘ Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, they all answered ‘No!’. I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ‘ Then how can I get into heaven?’

A six year-old boy shouted out ‘YUV GOTTAE BE FUCKN’ DEID……….

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers/Fruit Polo’s as we know them.

The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:

Red………………….Cherry
Yellow………………Lemon
Green………………Lime
Orange…………..Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.
After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

‘Well,’ she said, ‘I will give you all a clue.
It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’

One little girl looked up in horror, spat out her lifesaver and yelled,
‘Oh my God!! They’re arse-holes..’

The children began to say:
‘Red…………cherry,’
‘Yellow………lemon,’
‘Green……….lime,’
‘Orange……..orange.’

Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
‘Well,’ he said ‘I’ll give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’
One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

‘Oh My God!!!! They’re arse-holes!!’

It was addressed, “Dad.” With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing’s, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t, really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on my desk.                     

I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

They have found Michael Jacksons other glove.

The shopkeepers heart melts, he gets down on his knees so he is at her level, and says,”Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fluffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?”

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers… “I don’t weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk”