Random Jokes

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, “Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground !”

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.”

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s Mom asked, “Really small, was it?”

Sally replied, “No… Salty.”

A class of five-year old students are learning to read.

One of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

“Look at this!   It’s a frickin’ elephant!”

The teacher took a deep breath, then asked…”What did you call it?”

“It’s a frickin’ elephant!   It says so on the picture!”

And so it does…

” A f r i c a n Elephant “

**’Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?’**

**’No, Daddy..**
**She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.’**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**
**’But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.’**

**’Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..’**

Brief Pause.

**’Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.’**

**’Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.’**

**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**’I did it, Daddy.’**

**’And what happened, honey?’ **

‘Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn’t moving at all!’**

**’Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?’**

**’He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.’**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**’Swimming pool? …………**

**Is this 486-5731?’*

**No, I think you have the wrong number…….*

Best read in yer broadest Scottish accent

How to get to Heaven in Scotland

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, ‘If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’

‘NO!’ the children answered.

‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, the answer was ‘No!’ By now I was starting to smile.

‘ Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, they all answered ‘No!’. I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ‘ Then how can I get into heaven?’

A six year-old boy shouted out ‘YUV GOTTAE BE FUCKN’ DEID……….