Random Jokes

Spread the Stupidity

Only in  America ……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in  America …..do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in  America ……do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in  America ……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in  America ……….do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..

Only in  America …..do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER …

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can’t women    put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)…in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
Spread the Stupidity!

> >> Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street ;
> >> one from London , another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool .
> >>
> >> They go with a government official to examine the fence.
> >>
> >> The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
> >> then works some figures with a pencil.
> >>
> >> ‘Well’, he says, ‘I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for
> >> materials,
> >> £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.’
> >>
> >> The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then
> >> says,
> >> ‘I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and
> >> £100
> >> profit for me.’
> >>
> >> The Liverpool contractor doesn’t measure or figure but leans over to the
> >> Government official and whispers, “£2,700.”
> >>
> >> The official, incredulous, says, ‘You didn’t even measure like the other
> >> guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?’
> >>
> >> The Liverpool contractor whispers back, ‘£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and
> >> we
> >> hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.’
> >>
> >> ‘Done!’ replies the government official.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> And that friends, …… is how it all works.

Twitchers
Three birdwatchers sitting in the pub:
First one says ‘I call my wife Dove ‘cos she’s small and petite’.
The second man says ‘I call mine Flamingo ‘cos she’s tall and slender’
The last man says ‘ I call mine Thrush ‘cos she’s an irritating c*nt’.

A  woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street  when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three  times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The  surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too  risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters  and a
healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and  then one daughter walked into the room in
tears. ‘What’s  wrong?’ asked the mother. ‘I was taking a tinkle and this  bullet
came out,’ replied the daughter.

The mother  told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years  ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into  the room in tears. ‘Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this  bullet came out.’ Again the mother told her not to worry and  explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later  her son walked into the room in tears. ‘It’s okay’ said the  Mom, ‘I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a  bullet came out.’

‘No,’ said the boy, ‘I was playing  with myself and I shot the dog.’