Random Jokes

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
>  He asks the lady ‘Do you have a vagina?’…
> She slams the door in disgust..
> The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he  asks the same question of the woman ‘Do you have a vagina’.
>
>     She slams the door again.
> Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for  the last two days.
>       The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice ‘Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again’.
>       The next morning they h ear a knock at the door and both run for the door.  The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice ‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy
> I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it’. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
>      Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
>       Do you have vagina’………… ‘Yes’ she says……
>       The man replies “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s  alone and start using yours’?

The second dwarf shook his head ‘You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bed.’

And I thought Aberdonians were tight!!

> An   Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist’s
> office.
> The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?’
> The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?’
> The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
> elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
>
> When the couple finishes, the doctor says, ‘There’s absolutely nothing
> wrong with the way you have intercourse..’
>
>
>
> He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50
> and he says good bye.
>
>
> T he next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
> watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
>
> This happens several weeks in a row.
>
> The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays
> the doctor, then leave.
>
> Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, ‘I’m sorry,
> but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?’
>
>
> The man says, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything.
>
> She’s married; so we can’t go to her house.
>
> I’m married; and we can’t go to my house.
>
> The Holiday Inn charges $98.
>
> The Hilton charges $139.
>
> We do it here for $50, and
> Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

The Brothel (in Winnipeg)

The madam opened the brothel door in  Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

‘May I help you sir?’ she asked.

‘I want to see Valerie,’ the man replied.

‘Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else’, said the madam.

‘No, I must see Valerie,’ he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie , and they w ent upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, ‘No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?’.

The man replied, ‘  Ontario ‘.

‘Really’, she said. ‘I have family in  Ontario .’

‘I know.’ the man said. ‘Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.’

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’

The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’

The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then stopped.’

The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’

The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’