Random Jokes

And I thought Aberdonians were tight!!

> An   Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist’s
> office.
> The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?’
> The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?’
> The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
> elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
>
> When the couple finishes, the doctor says, ‘There’s absolutely nothing
> wrong with the way you have intercourse..’
>
>
>
> He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50
> and he says good bye.
>
>
> T he next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
> watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
>
> This happens several weeks in a row.
>
> The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays
> the doctor, then leave.
>
> Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, ‘I’m sorry,
> but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?’
>
>
> The man says, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything.
>
> She’s married; so we can’t go to her house.
>
> I’m married; and we can’t go to my house.
>
> The Holiday Inn charges $98.
>
> The Hilton charges $139.
>
> We do it here for $50, and
> Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas

1.      I prefer breasts to legs

2.      Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3.      Smother the butter all over the breasts!

4.      If I don’t undo my trousers, I’ll burst!

5.      I’ve never seen a better spread!

6.      I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.

7.      Are you ready for seconds yet?

8.      It’s a little dry; do you still want to eat it?

9.      Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!

10.     Don’t play with your meat.

11.     Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12.     Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at
once?

13.     I didn’t expect everyone to come at the same time!

14.     You still have a little bit on your chin.

15.     How long will it take after you put it in?

16.     You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.

17.     Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18.     That’s the biggest bird I’ve ever had!

19.     I’m so full; I’ve been gobbling nuts all morning

20.     Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all that and still want
more!

21.     I do like a good stuffing.

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King’s chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s large and magnificent breasts. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins! . With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn’t have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story…………

Pay your bills!!!

This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear, A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story……

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular
‘Gosh…if I go down three inches I will feel the mist From
the water and I will be refreshed.’
There was a fish in the water thinking,
‘Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.’
There was a bear on the shore thinking,
‘Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches That fish will jump for the fly… And I will grab the fish!!’

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich….
‘Gosh,’ he thought, ‘if that fly goes down three inches…And that fish leaps for it… That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I’ll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.’
Now, you probably think this is Enough activity on one river bank,But I can tell you there’s more….

A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking,
‘Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches…
And that fish jumps for that fly..
And that bear grabs for that fish..
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.’

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch time)
‘Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches..
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
Then I can have mouse for lunch.’

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly…
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich…
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks…
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story….

Whenever a fly goes down three inches, Some pussy’s gonna be in serious danger.