Random Jokes » Funny Dirty Jokes

Little Johnny’s sister

Admin — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 04:14:29 +0000

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, “Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground !”

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.”

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s Mom asked, “Really small, was it?”

Sally replied, “No… Salty.”

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12 of the finest double-entendres ever aired on TV and radio

Admin — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 03:40:28 +0000

1. Ted Walsh – Horse Racing Commentator – ‘This is really a lovely horse. I
once rode her mother.’

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator – ‘Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him.’

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator – ‘And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!’

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 – ‘Ah, isn’t that
nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford
crew.’

5. US PGA Commentator – ‘One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls
and kisses them . Oh my god !! What have I just said??’

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ‘Time Team Live’
said: ‘You’d eat beaver if you could get it.’

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, ‘So Bob, where’s that eight
inches you promised me last night?’ Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: ‘Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69 yesterday.’

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on ‘Look North’ said: ‘There’s
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. ‘

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on ‘Sky Sports’: ‘Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.’

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1′s UK eclipse coverage remarked: ‘They seem
cold out there. They’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his
shorts.’

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: ‘Some weeks Nick likes to use
Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.’

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Do you have a vagina?

Admin — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 06:42:36 +0000

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
> He asks the lady ‘Do you have a vagina?’…
> She slams the door in disgust..
> The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman ‘Do you have a vagina’.
>
>    She slams the door again.
> Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
>       The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice ‘Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again’.
>       The next morning they h ear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice ‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy
> I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it’. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
>     Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
>       Do you have vagina’………… ‘Yes’ she says……
>       The man replies “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours’?

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An Embarrassing problem

Admin — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 06:40:27 +0000

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ‘working girls’ and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get a erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of ‘Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE …. UGH!’ Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE… UGH!’ Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE … UGH!’ … ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, ‘How did it go?’ The first mutters, ‘It was embarrassing. I just couldn’t get an erection.’

The second dwarf shook his head ‘You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bed.’

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Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained

Admin — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 06:28:19 +0000

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his willy, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up…

and all the other bells started to ring.

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MIX UP AT XMAS

Admin — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 06:23:41 +0000

A young man called Reg from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn’t been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland . Reg consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note… not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the
two items, the sister got the gloves and Reg unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Reg sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I’ve noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.
She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn’t needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Reg
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

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$7.00 Sex xxx

Admin — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 06:21:33 +0000

And I thought Aberdonians were tight!!

> An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist’s
> office.
> The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?’
> The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?’
> The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
> elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
>
> When the couple finishes, the doctor says, ‘There’s absolutely nothing
> wrong with the way you have intercourse..’
>
>
>
> He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50
> and he says good bye.
>
>
> T he next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
> watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
>
> This happens several weeks in a row.
>
> The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays
> the doctor, then leave.
>
> Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, ‘I’m sorry,
> but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?’
>
>
> The man says, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything.
>
> She’s married; so we can’t go to her house.
>
> I’m married; and we can’t go to my house.
>
> The Holiday Inn charges $98.
>
> The Hilton charges $139.
>
> We do it here for $50, and
> Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

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21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas

Admin — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 17:14:24 +0000

21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas

1. I prefer breasts to legs

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

4. If I don’t undo my trousers, I’ll burst!

5. I’ve never seen a better spread!

6. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It’s a little dry; do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!

10. Don’t play with your meat.

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12. Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at
once?

13. I didn’t expect everyone to come at the same time!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you put it in?

16. You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.

17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18. That’s the biggest bird I’ve ever had!

19. I’m so full; I’ve been gobbling nuts all morning

20. Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all that and still want
more!

21. I do like a good stuffing.

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The Itch

Admin — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 06:57:01 +0000

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King’s chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s large and magnificent breasts. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins! . With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn’t have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story…………

Pay your bills!!!

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There is a moral to this story……

Admin — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 06:26:31 +0000

This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear, A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story……

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular
‘Gosh…if I go down three inches I will feel the mist From
the water and I will be refreshed.’
There was a fish in the water thinking,
‘Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.’
There was a bear on the shore thinking,
‘Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches That fish will jump for the fly… And I will grab the fish!!’

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich….
‘Gosh,’ he thought, ‘if that fly goes down three inches…And that fish leaps for it… That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I’ll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.’
Now, you probably think this is Enough activity on one river bank,But I can tell you there’s more….

A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking,
‘Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches…
And that fish jumps for that fly..
And that bear grabs for that fish..
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.’

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch time)
‘Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches..
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
Then I can have mouse for lunch.’

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly…
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich…
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks…
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story….

Whenever a fly goes down three inches, Some pussy’s gonna be in serious danger.

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