Random Jokes

A  woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street  when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three  times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The  surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too  risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters  and a
healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and  then one daughter walked into the room in
tears. ‘What’s  wrong?’ asked the mother. ‘I was taking a tinkle and this  bullet
came out,’ replied the daughter.

The mother  told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years  ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into  the room in tears. ‘Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this  bullet came out.’ Again the mother told her not to worry and  explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later  her son walked into the room in tears. ‘It’s okay’ said the  Mom, ‘I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a  bullet came out.’

‘No,’ said the boy, ‘I was playing  with myself and I shot the dog.’

THE AUSSIE VERSION OF CREATION

In the beginning God created day and night.

He created day for footy matches,

going to the beach …

And BBQ’s.

He created night for going prawning,
sleeping and BBQ’s,

and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water …
for surfing,
swimming,

and BBQ’s on the beach,

and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth

to bring forth plants
to provide malt and yeast for beer

and wood for BBQs,

and God saw that it was good..

On the Fourth Day God created animals

and crustaceans

chops, sausages, steak

and prawns for BBQ’s,

and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke

to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer

and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ’s,

and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely

and needed someone to go to the footy,

surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.

So God created Mates,

and God saw that they were good Blokes,

and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day

God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires,

heard the hiss of opening beer cans

and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes.

He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns

and God Saw that it was good …

Well …

Almost good …

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas

to clean the house,

to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie,

and then God saw that it was not just good …

It was better than that …

It was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to
hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
‘I don’t know what to do here,’ says the devil.
‘You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple of
folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take
their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.’
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty
handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.
‘No,’ OJ said. ‘I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer, and I don’t think I could do that all
day long.’
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and
a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
‘No, this is no good; I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks all day,’ commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms
tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was
Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, ‘Yeah man, I can handle this.’
The devil smiled and said…
‘OK, Monica, you’re free to go.’

Two IRISH MEN were looking at a
> Mail order catalogue and admiring the models.
>
>
>
> One says to the other,
> ‘Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?’
>
> The second one replies,
> ‘Yes, they are very beautiful.
> And look at the price!’
> The first one says, with wide eyes,
> ‘Wow, they aren’t very expensive.
> At this price, I’m buying one.’
> The second one smiles and pats him on the back.
> ‘Good idea! Order one and if she’s as beautiful
> As she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.’
> Three weeks later,
> The youngest redneck IRISHMAN asks his friend,
> ‘Did you ever receive the girl you ordered
> From the catalogue?’
> The second IRISHMAN replies……
>

>
> ‘No, but it shouldn’t be long now.
> She sent all her clothes yesterday?