Random Jokes » Funny Clean Jokes

PC Joke

Admin — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 08:59:54 +0000

Apparently it’s no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.

The bouncer said, “Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.”

Laugh He Feinted

Admin — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 06:42:19 +0000

Skinny little Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: ’7 feet tall, 350 Pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.’

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says, ‘What’s wrong with you?’
In a weak voice the little guy says, ‘What EXACTLY did you say to me?’
The big dude says, ‘I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me……… I’m 7feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.’
The little white Irishman says: ‘Turner Brown?!….Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, ‘Turn around’.

From the catalogue

Admin — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 06:48:56 +0000

Two IRISH MEN were looking at a
> Mail order catalogue and admiring the models.
>
>
>
> One says to the other,
> ‘Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?’
>
> The second one replies,
> ‘Yes, they are very beautiful.
> And look at the price!’
> The first one says, with wide eyes,
> ‘Wow, they aren’t very expensive.
> At this price, I’m buying one.’
> The second one smiles and pats him on the back.
> ‘Good idea! Order one and if she’s as beautiful
> As she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.’
> Three weeks later,
> The youngest redneck IRISHMAN asks his friend,
> ‘Did you ever receive the girl you ordered
> From the catalogue?’
> The second IRISHMAN replies……
>

Men are like….

Admin — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 06:25:53 +0000

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ….. They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like.Bananas .. The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather .. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like ….Blenders You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ….Chocolate Bars…. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ….Commercials……. You can’t believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores . Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like ……Government Bonds …. They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like …..Mascara .. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn …… They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms ….. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like .Lava Lamps … Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking SpotsAll the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

A Wee Joke

Admin — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 15:00:15 +0000

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were an English guy, a Scottish bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the English guy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:

The English guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:

That English guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The English guy thinks:

That Scottish bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

And the Scottish guy thinks:

I can’t wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that English bastard again…..

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were an English guy, a Scottish bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the English guy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:

The English guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:

That English guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The English guy thinks:

That Scottish bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

And the Scottish guy thinks:

I can’t wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that English bastard again…..

Passwords

Admin — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 07:58:36 +0000

During a recent password audit,it was found that a blonde wasusing the following password
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyIndianapolis

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told
“it had to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital.”

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK…

Admin — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 19:11:32 +0000

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK…

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
‘You must be single.’

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict’s intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked
at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about
my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital
status..

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, ‘Yes you are correct. But
how on earth did you know that?’

The drunk replied, ‘Cause you’re ugly.

Desert Island

Admin — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 07:32:32 +0000

One day a man, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship”
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.

Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned man and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?”
“Ten years,” replied the amazed man.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. “Faith ,” said the castaway, “that is so good! I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Whiskey?” asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.”

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask
and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. ” ‘Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the man. ” ‘Tis truly fantastic!!!”

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.

She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played around?”

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, ”
Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”

How to get Permission to play Golf

Admin — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 06:51:28 +0000

How to get Permission to play Golf

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy:
‘You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend.. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.’

Second Guy:
‘That’s nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.’

Third Guy:
‘Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.’

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has Not said a word.

So they ask him, ‘You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?’

Fourth guy:
‘I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the ass and said: ‘Golf course or intercourse?’ She said: ‘Wear sun-block

Drive-through ATM machine

Admin — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 06:24:59 +0000

‘Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.’

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

What is really funny is that most
of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set hand brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the
car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror…

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of chequebook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet…

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release hand brake.