Random Jokes

Spread the Stupidity

Only in  America ……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in  America …..do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in  America ……do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in  America ……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in  America ……….do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..

Only in  America …..do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER …

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can’t women    put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)…in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
Spread the Stupidity!

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags .

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

> >> Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street ;
> >> one from London , another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool .
> >>
> >> They go with a government official to examine the fence.
> >>
> >> The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
> >> then works some figures with a pencil.
> >>
> >> ‘Well’, he says, ‘I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for
> >> materials,
> >> £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.’
> >>
> >> The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then
> >> says,
> >> ‘I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and
> >> £100
> >> profit for me.’
> >>
> >> The Liverpool contractor doesn’t measure or figure but leans over to the
> >> Government official and whispers, “£2,700.”
> >>
> >> The official, incredulous, says, ‘You didn’t even measure like the other
> >> guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?’
> >>
> >> The Liverpool contractor whispers back, ‘£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and
> >> we
> >> hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.’
> >>
> >> ‘Done!’ replies the government official.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> And that friends, …… is how it all works.

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.  By following simple advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Oz proclaimed, “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.”

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Tequila, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.  You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Pass this on if you know anyone you think might be in need of inner peace.

This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one. By giving an  honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options:

You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic Prize winning photo,documenting the death of one of the country’s most despised, evil and powerful men!

THE QUESTION:

Here’s the question, and please give an honest answer….

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?