Random Jokes

What do you call a long legged bird who can’t fly?

Naomie Campbell

A beautiful blonde in Economy Class of a plane flying to Cape Town gets up and seats herself in a vacant seat in First Class. The flight attendant asks for her ticket, then tells the blonde that she’s paid for Economy and that she will have to return to it.

The blonde: ‘I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Cape Town and I’m staying right here!’

The flight attendant tells the captain that a blonde bimbo with an Economy Class ticket has seated herself in First Class and refuses to move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes to the blonde and explains that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy seat and she will have to return to it.

The blonde: ‘I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Cape Town and I’m staying right here!’

The co-pilot advises the captain that his effort was unsuccessful, and that the police should be alerted to arrest the blonde when they land.

The captain: ‘I may be able to handle this; I’m married to a blonde, and I speak Blonde!’

He goes to the blonde, whispers something to her, and she says ‘Oh,I’m sorry! I had no idea’ gets up and moves back to her seat in Economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without fuss.

The captain: ‘I told her First Class isn’t going to Cape Town .’

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems.
The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by and written by the pilots.
S = The solution and action as taken and written by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproofshield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

You’re going to love this……

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
‘Defrost the chicken.’