Random Jokes

One day, Johnny Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

Bubba, where’d ya git dat truck?!?’

‘Tina gived it to me’ Bubba replied.

‘She gived it to ya?

‘I know’d she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?’

‘Well, Johnny, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin’ out on County Road 301, in the middle of nowheres.Tina pulled off the road, put the truck in fur-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

‘Bubba, take whatever you want.’…

So I took the truck! ‘

‘Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit ya’

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Only a Scot could think of this …. from Glasgow, where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a pub in Glasgow. After last orders the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the carpark for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the wipers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the carpark empty, he pulled away and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and approached the car carrying a breathalyzer test kit.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it”, said the truly proud Glaswegian, “Tonight officer, I’m the designated decoy.”

Traffic Question

Most men will get this right!

You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO OVERTAKING sign and come upon a bicycle rider.

Do you follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles, or do you break the law and pass? Which is correct?

 Click below to see what you would do.

cyclist