Random Jokes

An ugly bird in a boozer says,”If you guess my weight you can fuck me all night.”

He says, ” About 93 stone you fat cunt.”

She says, “Thats close enough you lucky bastard.”  

A guy takes his girlfriend home to meet his parents but he tells her “I must warn you they are both deaf and dumb.”

They walk into the living room to see his mum has a beer bottle up her fanny and the dad is sitting there with his nuts out and a match stick proping one eye open.  

His girlfriend says, “What the fuck is this?”

He replies, ” Oh it is sign language, my mum is saying, “Get the beers in you cunt” and my dad is saying, “Bollocks I’m watching the match!”"

Only a Scot could think of this …. from Glasgow, where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a pub in Glasgow. After last orders the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the carpark for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the wipers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the carpark empty, he pulled away and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and approached the car carrying a breathalyzer test kit.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it”, said the truly proud Glaswegian, “Tonight officer, I’m the designated decoy.”

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight
Paddy.  Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then.’
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his
face.  ‘Shoite’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts
himself off.  He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his
face, ‘Shoite, Shoite!’

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get
to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.  He belly crawls to the
door and shimmies up to the door frame.  He sticks his head outside and

takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step
out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

‘Bi’ Jesus… I’m fockin’ focked,’ he says.  He can see his house just
a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door
frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No fockin’ way’.

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to
the bed.’

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says ‘Fock it’ and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of

coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy.

Did you have a bit to drink last night?’

Paddy says, ‘I did Jess.  I was fockin’ pissed.  But how’d you know?’

‘Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’

SOME DAYS YOU JUST CAN’T WIN .

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

“Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,” the biker says. “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy between sobs. “I can’t do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison!”