After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. ‘Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.’

‘I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..’

‘I agree,’ says the Father. ‘Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?’

‘Anything, Father.’

‘I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.’

‘Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.’

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

‘Sister, would you mind if I touched them?’……she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

‘Father, could I ask something of you?’

‘Yes, Sister?’

‘I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?’

‘I suppose that would be OK,’ the Priest replied lifting his robe.

‘Oh Father, may I touch it?’

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

‘Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give Life.’

‘Is that true Father?’

‘Yes, it is, Sister.’

‘Oh Father, that’s wonderful … Stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!’

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT !”.

But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, “OK for you”, and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird, and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says: “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.” The man is astounded. He can’t understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, “By the way, what did the chicken do?”

The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here’s how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said, ‘What’s for dinner, Batman?’

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?’

Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’

Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’

Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away…

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows..

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company..

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL

You have two cows. You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy….

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, “I’m fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.”

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, “Your wish is granted”
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn’t realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.  With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail – it’s much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn’t see his old pal. “Where’s Christian?” he asked.
“He’s at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark”, was the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian’s abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.”

Christian replied, “No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark, the enemy, and I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.”

Justin cried back “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed.”………
 
“I’ve found Cod. I’m a Prawn again Christian”.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, “Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have “urges”. That’s why we have Molly The Camel. 

The Captain says, “I can’t say that I condone this, but I understand about “urges”, so the camel can stay .”

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own “urges”. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane s*x with the camel.

When he’s done, he asks the Sergeant, “Is that how the men do it?”

No not really, sir… “They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.”

Was he wild?

Well, he wasn’t very pleased.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: “Dave, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go”…………….

Yet, invariably, the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering….

“Dave…you’re a vet!”

He looked around and couldn’t see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, “Are you talking to me?”

The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of.”

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had.”

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”