Random Jokes » Adult funny jokes

The game is called ‘Mate Match’

Admin — Fri, 22 Apr 2011 07:52:11 +0000

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you’ll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks did hear this on the FM morning show in Sydney .
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called ‘Mate Match’. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers ‘yes’,he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you’ve heard yet.

Anyway, here’s how it all went down:

DJ: ‘Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of ‘Mate Match’?’

Contestant: (laughing) ‘Yes, I have.’

DJ: ‘Great! Then you know we’re giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.’

Contestant: ‘Brian.’

DJ: ‘Brian, are you married or what?’

Brian: (laughing nervously) ‘Yes, I am married.’

DJ: ‘Thank you. Now, what is your wife’s name? First only please.’

Brian: ‘Sara.’

DJ: ‘Is Sara at work, Brian?’

Brian: ‘She is gonna kill me.’

DJ: ‘Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?’

Brian: (laughing) ‘Yes, she’s at work.’

DJ: ‘Okay, first question – when was the last time you had sex?’

Brian: ‘About 8 o’clock this morning.’

DJ: ‘Atta boy, Brian.’

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) ‘Well…’

DJ: ‘Question #2 – How long did it last?’

Brian: ‘About 10 minutes.’

DJ: ‘Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn’t at stake.’

Brian: ‘Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.’

DJ: ‘Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o’clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) ‘I, ummm, I, well…’

DJ: ‘This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?’

Brian: ‘Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks…’

DJ: ‘Uh huh…’

Brian: ‘…and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.’

DJ: ‘Atta boy, Brian.’

Brian: ‘On the kitchen table.’

DJ: ‘Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I’ve done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife’s work number and call her up.

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: ‘Okay audience; let’s call Sarah, shall we?’
(Touch tones…..ringing….)

Clerk: ‘Kinkos.’

DJ: ‘Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?’

Clerk: ‘This is she.’

DJ: ‘Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I’ve been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.’

Sarah: (laughing) ‘A couple of hours?’

DJ: ‘Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you’ll lose. Sooooooo… do you know the rules of ‘Mate Match’?’

Sarah: ‘No.’

DJ: ‘Good!’

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) ‘Brian, what the hell are you up to?’

Brian: (laughing) ‘Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.’

DJ: ‘Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian’s answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) ‘Yes.’

DJ: ‘All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?’

Sarah: ‘Oh God, Brian….uh, this morning before Brian went to work.’

DJ: ‘What time?’

Sarah: ‘Around 8 this morning.’

DJ: ‘Very good. Next question. How long did it last?’

Sarah: ’12, 15 minutes maybe.’

DJ: ‘Hmmmm. That’s close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We’ve got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?’

Sarah: (laughing) ‘Yes.’

DJ: ‘Where did you have it?’

Sarah: ‘OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn’t tell them that did you?’

Brian: ‘Just tell him, honey.’

DJ: ‘What is bothering you so much, Sarah?’

Sarah: ‘Well…’

DJ: Come on Sarah…..where did you have it?

Sarah: ‘Up the arse…..’

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.
Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions

Top Four Adult Jokes of 2008

Admin — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 08:13:26 +0000

Top Four Adult Jokes of 2008

Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, ‘Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you’ll forgive me.’
She replies, ‘If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 221..’

———————————————————————————————–

Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.

The wife turns over and says ‘I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.’

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

‘Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?’

————————————————————————————————

Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

‘What’s wrong, Bill?’ she asked.

‘Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?’

‘Oh, Bill, you didn’t’ she exclaimed.

‘Yes, I did.’ he replied.

‘My God, Bill, what happened?’

‘I got fired.’

‘No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?’

‘Oh…she got fired too.’
———————————————————————————–
Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, ‘Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.’

‘I know,’ the old man said. ‘We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..’

‘Well,’ Granny snickered. ‘Let’s relive some old times.’

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

‘You know, honey,’ the little old lady breathlessly replied, ‘My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.’

‘I wouldn’t be surprised,’ replied Gramps. ‘One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

There’s enough here to just about offend everyone….

Admin — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 11:18:01 +0000

I’ve just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days’
I told him ‘I wish I had your f**king will power’

Top tip; if you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it’s so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it’s not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.
Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.
Apparently the instruction ‘finish off on her face’ didn’t mean what I thought it did.

A fat girl served me food in McDonald’s at lunch time. She said ‘sorry about the wait.’
I said ‘don’t worry fatty, you’re bound to lose it eventually ‘

I walked past an abo kid sitting at a Bus Stop as I came out of the Bank. He looked at me and said ‘Any Change’
I said ‘Nope! You’re still Black’

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself fat chance with a face like that!

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks What is wrong ??
The boy says Me ma is dead
Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father ORiley for you ??
The boy replies No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment .

I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn’t matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.
Here’s how it goes ‘Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?’

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I ‘m having that

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I ??
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back Ya canna kid me ya flash bastard. You’re in that feckin basket .

I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was Where do women have the curliest hair ??

The answer I should have given was Fiji

I’m so very sorry!

Pregnant Prostitute

Admin — Sat, 19 Feb 2011 11:37:33 +0000

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute.. “do you know who the father is?”

“For flipsakes ,if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?”

From the catalogue

Admin — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 06:48:56 +0000

Two IRISH MEN were looking at a
> Mail order catalogue and admiring the models.
>
>
>
> One says to the other,
> ‘Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?’
>
> The second one replies,
> ‘Yes, they are very beautiful.
> And look at the price!’
> The first one says, with wide eyes,
> ‘Wow, they aren’t very expensive.
> At this price, I’m buying one.’
> The second one smiles and pats him on the back.
> ‘Good idea! Order one and if she’s as beautiful
> As she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.’
> Three weeks later,
> The youngest redneck IRISHMAN asks his friend,
> ‘Did you ever receive the girl you ordered
> From the catalogue?’
> The second IRISHMAN replies……
>

Do you have a vagina?

Admin — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 06:42:36 +0000

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
> He asks the lady ‘Do you have a vagina?’…
> She slams the door in disgust..
> The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman ‘Do you have a vagina’.
>
>    She slams the door again.
> Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
>       The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice ‘Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again’.
>       The next morning they h ear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice ‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy
> I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it’. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
>     Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
>       Do you have vagina’………… ‘Yes’ she says……
>       The man replies “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours’?

An Embarrassing problem

Admin — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 06:40:27 +0000

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ‘working girls’ and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get a erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of ‘Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE …. UGH!’ Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE… UGH!’ Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE … UGH!’ … ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, ‘How did it go?’ The first mutters, ‘It was embarrassing. I just couldn’t get an erection.’

The second dwarf shook his head ‘You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bed.’

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained

Admin — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 06:28:19 +0000

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his willy, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up…

and all the other bells started to ring.

MIX UP AT XMAS

Admin — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 06:23:41 +0000

A young man called Reg from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn’t been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland . Reg consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note… not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the
two items, the sister got the gloves and Reg unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Reg sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I’ve noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.
She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn’t needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Reg
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

$7.00 Sex xxx

Admin — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 06:21:33 +0000

And I thought Aberdonians were tight!!

> An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist’s
> office.
> The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?’
> The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?’
> The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
> elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
>
> When the couple finishes, the doctor says, ‘There’s absolutely nothing
> wrong with the way you have intercourse..’
>
>
>
> He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50
> and he says good bye.
>
>
> T he next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
> watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
>
> This happens several weeks in a row.
>
> The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays
> the doctor, then leave.
>
> Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, ‘I’m sorry,
> but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?’
>
>
> The man says, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything.
>
> She’s married; so we can’t go to her house.
>
> I’m married; and we can’t go to my house.
>
> The Holiday Inn charges $98.
>
> The Hilton charges $139.
>
> We do it here for $50, and
> Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.