Random Jokes » Adult funny jokes

The Longest Password

Admin — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 08:10:33 +0000

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyWashington”

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital

Share and Enjoy:

The Reunion

Admin — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 06:37:04 +0000

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven’t seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other through a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrives first and orders a bottle of chilled Chablis. Clare enters a few minutes later and after hugs and kisses, she joins Rachel in a glass of Chablis.

Then Sam walks in wearing a faded anorak, blue jeans and Wellington boots. She too shares the wine.

Rachel explains that after leaving school and graduating from Oxford in Classics, she met and married Timothy with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London ’s leading law firms. They live in a penthouse in North London where their daughter attends drama school. They have a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo .

Clare says she graduated from King’s College and became a Consultant Gynaecologist. Her husband Clive is a leading A&E Consultant. They live in a large detached house in Dulwich and have a second home in Florida .

Sam tells them that she left school at seventeen and ran off with her boyfriend Ben. They run a tropical bird park in Norfolk and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five canaries side by side on his willy.

Half way through the third bottle of Chablis, Rachel blurts out that her husband isn’t Timothy he’s Tom and he’s a clerk for Islington Council. They live in a terraced house in Muswell Hill and keep a caravan in France .

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her friend’s honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses in King’s College. They live in Herne Hill and have a timeshare in Orlando .

Samantha admits that the fifth canary has to stand on one leg

Share and Enjoy:

England World Cup Stories

Admin — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 13:44:27 +0000

Whats the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball…………

Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still
alive. He said that the England Team performance on Sunday was completely
s**t. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the
message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

Robert Green – The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything .

In a statement from broadcasting house, all future England games will now
be shown on the gay porn channel. It is thought that 11 arsåholes being
regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.

I can’t believe we only managed a draw against a s**t team we should easily
have beaten……I’m ashamed to call myself Algerian.

The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning,
“its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly
struggling, and facing the impossible” said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.

Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didn’t break into the
dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.

What’s the difference between Rob Green’s spill and BP’s spill?
- Robert Green has got a cap for his.

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car
park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He
stopped and asked, “Can you manage dear?” To which the old lady replied,
“No way. You got yourself into this f*****g mess, don’t ask me to sort it
out…”

The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into
the dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way
into the dressing room.
David Blaine is gutted that the record he got for doing F*** all in a box for 42 days has just been beaten by Wayne Rooney

Share and Enjoy:

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems…

Admin — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 04:22:00 +0000

.

“Dactor, it’s me ahrse. I’d loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot”.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

“Incredible”he says, “there is a ?£20 note lodged up here.”

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man’s bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

“This is amazing!”exclaims the Doctor. ”What do you want me to do?”

“Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! “shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc…..

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

“Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat’s moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?”

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says “£1,990 exactly.”

“Ah, dat’d be roit,” says the Irishman

(Wait for it………..scroll down.)

“I knew I wasn’t feeling two grand..”

Share and Enjoy:

Tree Hugger

Admin — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 03:56:19 +0000

When you think your’e having a bad day …………..read this and know that it could have been worse.

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, “Just out of curiosity, what are you doing?”

“I’m listening to the music of the tree,” the other man replied.

“You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me.”

“No, would you like to give it a try?”

Understandably curious, the man says, “Well, OK…” So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, watch, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, “What happened to you?”

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, “This just ain’t gonna be your day, cupcake…”

Share and Enjoy:

Ornithology

Admin — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 03:54:07 +0000

Twitchers
Three birdwatchers sitting in the pub:
First one says ‘I call my wife Dove ‘cos she’s small and petite’.
The second man says ‘I call mine Flamingo ‘cos she’s tall and slender’
The last man says ‘ I call mine Thrush ‘cos she’s an irritating c*nt’.

Share and Enjoy:

OJ Simpson

Admin — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 06:22:29 +0000

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to
hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
‘I don’t know what to do here,’ says the devil.
‘You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple of
folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take
their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.’
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty
handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.
‘No,’ OJ said. ‘I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer, and I don’t think I could do that all
day long.’
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and
a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
‘No, this is no good; I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks all day,’ commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms
tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was
Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, ‘Yeah man, I can handle this.’
The devil smiled and said…
‘OK, Monica, you’re free to go.’

Share and Enjoy:

From the catalogue

Admin — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 06:48:56 +0000

Two IRISH MEN were looking at a
> Mail order catalogue and admiring the models.
>
>
>
> One says to the other,
> ‘Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?’
>
> The second one replies,
> ‘Yes, they are very beautiful.
> And look at the price!’
> The first one says, with wide eyes,
> ‘Wow, they aren’t very expensive.
> At this price, I’m buying one.’
> The second one smiles and pats him on the back.
> ‘Good idea! Order one and if she’s as beautiful
> As she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.’
> Three weeks later,
> The youngest redneck IRISHMAN asks his friend,
> ‘Did you ever receive the girl you ordered
> From the catalogue?’
> The second IRISHMAN replies……
>

>
> ‘No, but it shouldn’t be long now.
> She sent all her clothes yesterday?

Share and Enjoy:

Do you have a vagina?

Admin — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 06:42:36 +0000

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
> He asks the lady ‘Do you have a vagina?’…
> She slams the door in disgust..
> The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman ‘Do you have a vagina’.
>
>    She slams the door again.
> Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
>       The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice ‘Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again’.
>       The next morning they h ear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice ‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy
> I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it’. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
>     Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
>       Do you have vagina’………… ‘Yes’ she says……
>       The man replies “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours’?

Share and Enjoy:

An Embarrassing problem

Admin — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 06:40:27 +0000

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ‘working girls’ and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get a erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of ‘Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE …. UGH!’ Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE… UGH!’ Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE … UGH!’ … ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, ‘How did it go?’ The first mutters, ‘It was embarrassing. I just couldn’t get an erection.’

The second dwarf shook his head ‘You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bed.’

Share and Enjoy: