21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas

December 24th, 2009 Admin No comments

21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas

1.      I prefer breasts to legs

2.      Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3.      Smother the butter all over the breasts!

4.      If I don’t undo my trousers, I’ll burst!

5.      I’ve never seen a better spread!

6.      I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.

7.      Are you ready for seconds yet?

8.      It’s a little dry; do you still want to eat it?

9.      Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!

10.     Don’t play with your meat.

11.     Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12.     Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at
once?

13.     I didn’t expect everyone to come at the same time!

14.     You still have a little bit on your chin.

15.     How long will it take after you put it in?

16.     You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.

17.     Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18.     That’s the biggest bird I’ve ever had!

19.     I’m so full; I’ve been gobbling nuts all morning

20.     Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all that and still want
more!

21.     I do like a good stuffing.

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A Wee Joke

December 15th, 2009 Admin No comments

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were an English guy, a Scottish bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the English guy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks:
The English guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That English guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
The English guy thinks:
That Scottish bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark  she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
And the Scottish guy thinks:
I can’t wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that English bastard again…..
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were an English guy, a Scottish bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.
The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the English guy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks:
The English guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That English guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
The English guy thinks:
That Scottish bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark  she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
And the Scottish guy thinks:
I can’t wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that English bastard again…..
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NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

November 28th, 2009 Admin No comments

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and
Engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but
Her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

‘Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.’

The lady can’t take this any more,

‘You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,’ she retorted
Indignantly. ‘In this country. We don’t speak aloud in Public places
About our sex lives.

‘Hey, coola down lady,’ said the man. ‘Who talkin’
Abouta sex?  I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell ‘
Mississippi ‘.’

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Christmas Party

November 28th, 2009 Admin No comments
FROM:    Patricia Harris     , Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 4th DECEMBER
RE: Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…please feel free to sing along.

And don’t be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family

Patricia
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Patricia Harris , Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 5th December
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our ‘ Holiday Party.’ The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patricia .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM; Patricia Harris , Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE : 6th  December

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table…you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only,” you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patricia .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM:  Patricia Harris , Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th December

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during day l i ght hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays a re allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table, too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress – no cross dressing allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Patricia .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Patricia Harris , Human Resources Director
TO: All F*****
G Employees

DATE: 8 December

RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death”, as you so quaintly put it.

You’ll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too.

They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!!

Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: John BishopActing Human Resources Director

DATE: 12th December

RE: Patricia Harris and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patricia a speedy recovery, and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

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Passwords

November 28th, 2009 Admin No comments

During a recent password audit,it was found that a blonde wasusing the following password
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyIndianapolis

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told
“it had to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital.”

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