Random Jokes

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to
hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
‘I don’t know what to do here,’ says the devil.
‘You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple of
folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take
their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.’
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty
handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.
‘No,’ OJ said. ‘I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer, and I don’t think I could do that all
day long.’
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and
a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
‘No, this is no good; I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks all day,’ commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms
tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was
Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, ‘Yeah man, I can handle this.’
The devil smiled and said…
‘OK, Monica, you’re free to go.’

Two IRISH MEN were looking at a
> Mail order catalogue and admiring the models.
>
>
>
> One says to the other,
> ‘Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?’
>
> The second one replies,
> ‘Yes, they are very beautiful.
> And look at the price!’
> The first one says, with wide eyes,
> ‘Wow, they aren’t very expensive.
> At this price, I’m buying one.’
> The second one smiles and pats him on the back.
> ‘Good idea! Order one and if she’s as beautiful
> As she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.’
> Three weeks later,
> The youngest redneck IRISHMAN asks his friend,
> ‘Did you ever receive the girl you ordered
> From the catalogue?’
> The second IRISHMAN replies……
>

>
> ‘No, but it shouldn’t be long now.
> She sent all her clothes yesterday?

>  Barbara  Walters, of 20/20, did  a story  on gender roles in Kabul ,
>  Afghanistan, several years  before
>  the  Afghan conflict.
>
>  She  noted that women customarily
>  walked  five paces behind their husbands.
>
>  She  recently returned to Kabul and
>  observed  that women still walk behind their  husbands.
>
>
>  Despite the overthrow  of the oppressive Taliban regime,
>  the  women now seem happy  to maintain the old custom.
>
>
>  Ms  Walters approached one of the
>  Afghani  women and asked, ‘Why do you now
>  seem  happy with an old custom that you
>  once tried so desperately to change?’
>
>   The  woman looked Ms.Walters
>   straight  in the eyes, and without hesitation
>   said,  ’Land Mines.’

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION

ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME

WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,

AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.

That’s why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,

But I only slept with you ’cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other

– that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s

empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;

But don’t take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes

Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe ‘Go to hell.’

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
>  He asks the lady ‘Do you have a vagina?’…
> She slams the door in disgust..
> The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he  asks the same question of the woman ‘Do you have a vagina’.
>
>     She slams the door again.
> Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for  the last two days.
>       The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice ‘Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again’.
>       The next morning they h ear a knock at the door and both run for the door.  The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice ‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy
> I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it’. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
>      Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
>       Do you have vagina’………… ‘Yes’ she says……
>       The man replies “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s  alone and start using yours’?